The Principle...

I went to the Temple today for the first time in awhile. It is a beautiful place. As I was sitting –praying in the Celestial room, a thing came to mind that I was not originally concerned with at the moment. It was my blog. My blog where I write my testimony, my struggles, my worries, my fears, and I realized that I have not only neglected writing for quite some time now, but also, that my blog is filled with far too much concerning the world.

I have a profound testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and this blog should be filled with the things of Heaven. I am wholly imperfect and have fallen into mischievous paths often, but I know that my Father in Heaven’s hands are over all things. I have a vision of something so beautiful that there are not words on earth or in heaven to describe it. I desire this thing with all of my heart, and I know that from this thing, my testimony is a pivotal part in obtaining it.

There are moments and experiences in this life that we have that are so special, unique and sacred, but often, due to our pride and selfish desires we ruin those moments. I would be a fool to let my experiences decay at the wayside and not let them shine into the hearts of others gratefully and obediently, regardless of how frustrating and painful it is at first. If we are wise, the things that we love the most, we will through tears and prayer learn to let those things go, just as Heavenly Father let His Son go in the moment of Atonement. If we cannot let go of the things that we love, our loves become an addiction and they will slowly destroy our character until we are in the depths of despair, the gall of bitterness. If we do learn to let those things go, then as the cycles of Eternity turn they will forever be added unto our divine center as an Eternal part of who we are.

This principle of letting go though, goes against the very nature of our bodies, because it is painful. But I testify that if we walk hand in hand with the spirit of God, and let Him cause our spirits to be still, we will see the divine purpose in our pain, and it will become lessened, and we will learn what it means to truly love, and to truly love one another.

My sincere prayer at this moment in time is, just as I have learned personally and intimately this principle of letting go, I desire to learn of the principle of receiving. I know that God Lives, and that His hand is over all things, including my path through this life. I do have desires, great desires, but my greatest wish is that of Heavenly Father’s desire for me.

I have been guided this far in my life with beautiful dreams from time to time, and of which continually increase my wisdom and faith in God and the beauty of all life and living. In the world often I feel as a little child, afraid and scared. But in my words I am powerful and divine. I know who I am, I am a Sentinel of Righteousness, I am a beacon of light, I am a Chosen son of God, I am blessed beyond comprehension, and I will testify of Him with ever word that I speak.

This is my testimony today, I will write more often. Thank you, my dear readers. Goodbye. 

Past Tense

Are our dreams ours? Or are they given us? And if they are, then what is their purpose? I believe that the purpose of our dreams regardless of whether they are ours or they are given us, is to cause us to search beyond our own feelings, for our feelings are only one dimension of us, one layer among countless layers that make up our being. Our goal, whether we realize it or not is to capture the concept of and completely imbue our whole selves with Oneness, with the unification of all of our dimensions and layers so they work in complete and utter harmony with each other. This is what Christ did when He performed the At-one-ment. Our dreams are very similar to this thing that we call love.

My father was in town last week and we had a good ol’ time. I do say that I am only twenty-four years old, yet it has taken me about twenty-three of those years to figure out how to talk with my dad, but now we get along great, and all I have to do is laugh silently and sometimes not so silently under my breath when he starts cussing about some whatnot thing or another.

On a more serious note though, growing up I never witnessed anything between my parents that suggested that they were even married. I remember even wondering before they got divorced if they had already been divorced and I was too young to have remembered. But this last time he was in town he said something to me that I found pretty remarkable. We were driving down some road in Salt Lake City junkyard hoping for parts to my Buick, when he softly, and hesitantly asked me “how is your mother?” There was definite sincerity in his voice, but if you were not his son, you probably would not have caught it. I simply said that she was doing well. “That’s all I needed to know,” he said.

I don’t believe that once you’ve really loved someone you can ever not love them regardless of anything, even the eternities, because that is where love lives, within the streams of heaven that continue on forever and ever and have no end. It seems to me that some people try to simply flip a switch in their minds and say, “well, it was good knowing ya,” because that’s what they “want”, well all the while our hearts are the ones being molested and bruised because of our minds pride and desires. They say our minds are what “create” our reality, but I say that it is our hearts that selflessly offer the substances needed to organize that reality into whatever it does so. But we forget that that’s where we get our building blocks from. Nevertheless, where do our hearts get it to offer? From the same place faith comes from. It is created, sparked into existence within our consciousnesses when perfect love, beauty and hope combine to create this knowledge of something that is true but not seen, it is faith. Our most beautiful dreams are made up of love, and too often it takes something as extreme as death for a soul to finally give in and understand that our dreams are what we are, and that “we are” real. At the footsteps of death itself a soul realizes that there is more than this physical life, even though they’ve professed that knowledge -their whole lives, and when they do come to that knowledge their dreams are what causes them to continue because their most intimate, true dreams that were either summoned from their very own depths, or given to their depths by an external yet equally divine source as ones own truest self, are our most intimate true desires playing through the brain when we sleep, because that is the only time we have an opportune moment to listen properly to our hearts who speak, and speak softly, and thusly are hardly ever heard when we are awake. It is those things that we cry out for as we start to fade from this life that we will have in the eternities if our hearts are true, and I believe that most of us, deep down have true hearts, that is why we are no persons to judge critically of any other. I don’t believe and have never believed that anyone can simply flip a switch and use past tense in describing their love for someone they’ve ever truly loved. I think there must be something dreadfully wrong if they try to do so. My parents will never be together again, but I know that my dad, if forced to say anything about my mom would never say that he “loved” her, because I know that he “loves” her.

Dear Blog...

O, dear blog, forgive me, I have neglected you. Please know that it is not a reflection of my admiration of you, but rather it is a matter of fulfilling the things I have written in you for the last many years. What are the words I have given you if they have not been ordained for the future? I know as well as you that the things I have written have been my truest attempts to mirror my own true intents regardless of my own body’s lack of cooperation or progression. I have known what is right, but fulfilling the depths of what is right to the extents the mind, heart and soul can vision unto ones intelligence in the most trying times is as finding a pearl in the ocean when one has not yet learned how to swim.

O, dear blog, though at this moment in time my feet are bruised and my hands are stinging, my body has never been stronger or healthier, and though my heart still ponders upon its own death and its purpose in still existing in this coarse life, its beat has never been healthier, and as well, though my mind still strays to past occurrences and wrestles with the consequences, purposes and meanings of the very things it has concocted or been given, it has never been more active in wellness, and though it is still learning to coexist; all of my parts, and all of these realms of being, my soul is once again progressing toward freedom. What is it that my being is? I am my mind, I am my heart, and those two combined create my soul which is housed in this tabernacle of clay. 

Our Minds and Hearts...

Physical pain is only a symbol of true pain which is of an emotional and spiritual nature. When that idea is entirely understood the most horrendous and agonizing physical traumas a body can endure become wholly bearable.

There are times when a person just has to write regardless of how busy they are. But I would not give up my healthy and well rounded schedule now to revert back to numberless nights of sleepless writing.

The fact is right now I’ve never been more able—and stable in my life. I enjoy my work greatly, I love church, I love church ball, I love tai chi, I love skating, I love being able to function properly for more than moments in a day, I love my schedule, and I, for the first time I think in my life, I see that my future is really bright. I understand that these things aren’t my source of peace but rather external blessings from finding it within myself. I believe that, yes, there are things that cause us to be greatly happy, but true peace and wellness come from our own depths, and it is brought to the light when we search with all of our hearts. If we always only rely on another person or external things to cause our happiness we will never attain wholeness because our happiness is dependent upon another.

Our minds and our hearts—our souls are, as if I could say designed from before existence to extend our abilities and consciousness into Eternity. The ever critical mind vs. the ever forgiving heart clash and cause much confliction of thought and desire. But the spirit of a man chooses its own reality by bringing to pass what he cannot deny to be true.

Can a soul ever completely shun something it considers to be a part of itself? Can a person hate something he/she considers beautiful? Can a man deny his conscience when all else so easily dismiss it as unimportant or contrary to what one should believe?

I speak all of these things with the ultimate idea of humility within the grain of my words. I can only love when I am passionate, my passions only are real when I am persistent in truth, my truths are only true when I choose goodness when I am alone, my solitude is only loneliness when I am carnal, my solemnity is only grave when I think only of myself, my conscience is only clear when I am simply the person that I am, and I am only me when at last I am passionate about those things that I love.

Not enough time...

There is just too much to write about. If I were to share everything interesting and incredible that I observe or witness on a daily basis than I would never stop writing, that is until I finished writing about the psychological excursion of continuing to write everything there was that was interesting in any given day, because once I ran out of things to write about I would inevitably start writing about me writing and how that effects my perspective and understanding on myself and the world.

Well, here we go. Don’t fret, I am still reading Man’s Search for Meaning. It is taking longer than expected because, and admittedly I haven’t read too many books, but it is quickly becoming one of my all time favorite books ever, and I find myself reading and re-reading pages over and over again because of how enthralling it is. The singular conscience is such a marvelous and unique thing because we’ll never be not our conscience, and Frankl’s portrayal of the conscience and scruples of how he and others lived under those trying circumstance, in my opinion is more precious than gold. It is simply incredible to read his perspective outside of himself of those instances, and though, try as he might, as we all do when creating something profoundly incredible or beautiful from the knowledge of our experiences to be humble and meek, he must and truthfully does have a sense of great accomplishment because of those things that he has written. Though it portrays the grueling life of a prisoner at those times, Frankl did it in such a way that is not gruesome to read or understand. In my opinion the book is a beautiful piece of literature because of the experiences described, and the way in which they were described. He did his conscience good when fulfilling what it commanded him to do. There will be a full review when I am finished posted in my Book Club.

There is too much to write and not enough time. I need to go, but just know that I was planning on writing so much more. I will be back later. Keep in touch, thanks and goodbye.

1st Nephi 4: 7-18

I guess you’ve noticed that I’m not writing every day. Don’t worry it’s a good thing, I’ve noticed that when I’m actually doing everything that I want to do in a day I don’t have a whole lot of time to write nearly as much as I usually do. It is good though and I am doing well. This is something I wrote however the other day, so enjoy.  

I’ve been feeling surprisingly good lately, and it feels really–good… despite what I may have alleged in the past I have always believed deep down that happiness and peace is a deliberate choice on ones part. Just keep reading. I only say that, meaning that true peace cannot come from an external source outside of oneself. It’s just that we can’t choose it until we’ve learned how to, and there are indeed many external sources that impede our ability to learn how and to even choose. Baby steps my friends. I believe there is however, a time when it isn’t appropriate to choose to be at peace, and at these times I don’t believe one really can, and that is when we mourn, and who am I to choose or dictate the ways in which a soul mourns and for how long. One thing I know is that we are all different in our abilities, and especially in the ways in which we handle grief, so I can judge no one harshly.

Gaining peace is not so much for me a search for happiness as it is a yearning for wholeness. The church, regardless of anyone’s conflicting opinions on any topic within the church is especially designed for those searching for wholeness, because it teaches the ends of truth within its basic structure of faith and hope. However I think that most within the church are the very ones who struggle with finding peace the most, because of that very atmosphere of the depths of truth it so easily grasps. It touches the very depths of our spirits when we are surrounded by it but then afterward, our spirits our left to translate those touching feelings through an imperfect, often times broken body of flesh, bone and brain into a world where those types of feelings aren’t very common place to think about, talk about, or even to know about. Even in the halls of church one cannot reiterate to another the feelings and observations of one’s own existence as seen through ones own conscience, because we are our own conscience and no one will ever be that other than our own self.

This is so interesting; I pick up and chaperone a pair of autistic twins named Alex and Aaron for family home evening and sometimes church. We were destined to be friends because they, within their own worlds of Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter and many, many more interesting movies and shows communicate with each other whilst hardly saying a word outside of their memorized movies. It’s like they are the movies, and they don’t even give me a second thought when I start unconsciously talking to myself when driving in the car with them, because that’s what they’re doing, just talking, with no worries of who might think they’re weird, or who might criticize them, or make fun of them.

The truth is I love the church with all of my heart, and I love the scriptures. I just read the account of Nephi walking by faith into Jerusalem to find the records of his fathers. I’ve always really enjoyed the enthralling story of Nephi struggling with beheading Laban… Jeese, after writing that I suppose that sounds kind of strange that I enjoy it… why would I enjoy a man getting beheaded? Anyway, it’s a great account, and I noticed something reading this account this time that I haven’t before. The scriptures are full of stories and things of the like depicting the spiritual nature of things and how to determine what is good and what is not, but I say that this event, the way Nephi wrote it is utterly remarkable in its description of how one interprets the feelings of the spirit as opposed to one’s own natural desires and feelings. I won’t repeat the verses now, and I say that all of the scriptures are good, but 1^st Nephi 4: 7-18 are some of the most beautiful scriptures depicting the inner struggle with understanding and following the spirit. What does he do? he doesn’t just jump right into doing something, these verse describe his thought process of the whole situation and of events leading to that situation. I really could do a complete psychological study of the human mind and spirit based off of these few verses but I won’t do that here and now because daylight is burning and I’ve got other things to attend to. until next time my friends, and read those verses too. Goodbye.   

Day 1

May 1^st, 2011, Day 1.

Well, today was a solid first day of a journey. I really am needing to go to sleep right now because it is late and I am really tired, so, sorry for the short first entry. I am feeling a great entry tomorrow though so stay tuned. Goodnight my dearest friends. Thank you.