I guess you’ve noticed that I’m not writing every day. Don’t worry it’s a good thing, I’ve noticed that when I’m actually doing everything that I want to do in a day I don’t have a whole lot of time to write nearly as much as I usually do. It is good though and I am doing well. This is something I wrote however the other day, so enjoy.
I’ve been feeling surprisingly good lately, and it feels really–good… despite what I may have alleged in the past I have always believed deep down that happiness and peace is a deliberate choice on ones part. Just keep reading. I only say that, meaning that true peace cannot come from an external source outside of oneself. It’s just that we can’t choose it until we’ve learned how to, and there are indeed many external sources that impede our ability to learn how and to even choose. Baby steps my friends. I believe there is however, a time when it isn’t appropriate to choose to be at peace, and at these times I don’t believe one really can, and that is when we mourn, and who am I to choose or dictate the ways in which a soul mourns and for how long. One thing I know is that we are all different in our abilities, and especially in the ways in which we handle grief, so I can judge no one harshly.
Gaining peace is not so much for me a search for happiness as it is a yearning for wholeness. The church, regardless of anyone’s conflicting opinions on any topic within the church is especially designed for those searching for wholeness, because it teaches the ends of truth within its basic structure of faith and hope. However I think that most within the church are the very ones who struggle with finding peace the most, because of that very atmosphere of the depths of truth it so easily grasps. It touches the very depths of our spirits when we are surrounded by it but then afterward, our spirits our left to translate those touching feelings through an imperfect, often times broken body of flesh, bone and brain into a world where those types of feelings aren’t very common place to think about, talk about, or even to know about. Even in the halls of church one cannot reiterate to another the feelings and observations of one’s own existence as seen through ones own conscience, because we are our own conscience and no one will ever be that other than our own self.
This is so interesting; I pick up and chaperone a pair of autistic twins named Alex and Aaron for family home evening and sometimes church. We were destined to be friends because they, within their own worlds of Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter and many, many more interesting movies and shows communicate with each other whilst hardly saying a word outside of their memorized movies. It’s like they are the movies, and they don’t even give me a second thought when I start unconsciously talking to myself when driving in the car with them, because that’s what they’re doing, just talking, with no worries of who might think they’re weird, or who might criticize them, or make fun of them.
The truth is I love the church with all of my heart, and I love the scriptures. I just read the account of Nephi walking by faith into Jerusalem to find the records of his fathers. I’ve always really enjoyed the enthralling story of Nephi struggling with beheading Laban… Jeese, after writing that I suppose that sounds kind of strange that I enjoy it… why would I enjoy a man getting beheaded? Anyway, it’s a great account, and I noticed something reading this account this time that I haven’t before. The scriptures are full of stories and things of the like depicting the spiritual nature of things and how to determine what is good and what is not, but I say that this event, the way Nephi wrote it is utterly remarkable in its description of how one interprets the feelings of the spirit as opposed to one’s own natural desires and feelings. I won’t repeat the verses now, and I say that all of the scriptures are good, but 1st Nephi 4: 7-18 are some of the most beautiful scriptures depicting the inner struggle with understanding and following the spirit. What does he do? he doesn’t just jump right into doing something, these verse describe his thought process of the whole situation and of events leading to that situation. I really could do a complete psychological study of the human mind and spirit based off of these few verses but I won’t do that here and now because daylight is burning and I’ve got other things to attend to. until next time my friends, and read those verses too. Goodbye.
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