What am I worth? Am I worth anything? I know I am, but in the eyes of the world I’m not really worth a whole lot, and that kind of gets me down a whole lot since I live in the world.
If I’m going to be judged by the letters on a piece of paper making up my work experience and by how well I can put together a resume, then to heck with me altogether. Just let me fade into outer darkness right now.
The truth is I don’t have a lot of experience so why would anyone give me a second look? I realize that my personal strengths should shine through into my abilities to find a job but I seriously can’t keep filling out applications forever. I’ve gotten to the point where it literally makes me sick inside to look at one because I’ve determined, for me at least, that they are absolutely useless.
It makes me want to cry. I don’t want a lot in life, I simply want to be faithful in my religion, go to work and earn a decent living, and go home to a beautiful girl I love and with her look at the stars once and awhile and talk into the night wrapped up in each other’s warmth. Is life allowed to be that simple? I think it can be but it just isn’t. Truthfully, I don’t know if I’ll ever receive any of that other than being faithful. I know that church wants me regardless of my lack of experience. The church is my love I suppose; I’ve seen that symbolism in my dreams and I can’t deny that.
I lie in bed often and just cry silently letting my tears roll down my face wetting my pillow. Sometimes I ask God in my prayers why I couldn’t have been one of the ones to walk barefoot across the country, or to have been beaten for my beliefs, or to have had to sacrifice all of my possession for a greater cause, and then I simply think, well, because He really must’ve just loved me enough to want to test me by making me fill out applications all the damn day… darn day…
I sigh and just wonder when I’ll figure out my path, when some path will be unveiled for me. I keep tromping through this life cutting my way through the jungles of uncertainty wondering if I’ll ever come upon a road somewhere. Does that ever even happen? Are the sincere really blest in that way? My problem is, is that I believe that and I can’t not, even though I see nothing. It just makes me sad, because how long can I see nothing? How long do I have to wade in my struggles before I’m freed even a little bit? Where is my place? Where is my love? Where is my peace? Who will hire me and why would they even, if they want nothing more than impressive histories on a piece of paper. Well, you want my resume, this is my resume, and these are my credentials. My heart is my experience and I’ll not give you anything less than what I am, and I am my heart and these humble words I’ve written this day. I understand a need for filling out personal information when applying for a job but I think it’s gotten grandly too far out of hand. I say, let me work and show you my life, not, let me offer you my life on a piece of paper just so you can throw it away. Just let me work, just let me work.
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