Dusty Treasures...

I had an interesting day today. I saw a slew of different people from all corners of my life. It was very strange needless to say. I felt as an observer of people and emotions. Firstly, this morning I met with a man who has utterly changed my life for the better and is still helping me through a lot of issues. Secondly, for some reason, and not to say I didn’t want to, but the thought popped into my head to call a good friend of mine who recently has gotten married. We played some legit street ball and reminisced about the good ol’ days. We talked like how we used to talk when we were best friends from years past. Then, I briefly skated with my current best friend and went to BOP where I saw John, the owner of Board of Provo who I haven’t seen for what seems as though a year. Then, upon deciding to head home, I had the great idea to stop at Macey’s and grab a Jones. I still haven’t decided if doing this thing is a good or bad idea for my psyche, but I continue to do it regardless. But, there is, on any given day I decide to grab a Jones, a pleasant acquaintance waiting at the end of the checkout counter bagging my groceries. A girl whose name I have long forgotten, but remember from my Provo High seminary class. Every time it seems she is there and over the years it has become somewhat of an unspoken, unofficial tradition to do nothing more or less than to casually wave and smile at each other as I pass her by with Jones in hand. I however did not see her there this time, so I checked myself out and walked out whilst waving at no one. But, on the way to my car I nearly had a panic attack as I scrambled to open my locked car door. I do say that I am not spending any more time in Provo, or even at Macey’s than I ever have, but I am oddly bumping into and seeing a dramatic increase in past acquaintances, and I just don’t know how to take that or what to do about it. Should I lessen my visits to Provo? Should I get over my issues? I don’t know, is it irrational of me to scramble into my car when confronted with a memory? Maybe it is, but don’t judge me according to that until you get to know me better… then you can judge me all you want… Then, as I was making my way into Orem something happened. I don’t know how to describe it. Have you ever seen your life flash before your eyes? Literally, flash before your eyes in an instant…driving in a car going the opposite direction? I say that it happens on more occasions than just the one before you are about to die. Whether it was a figment of my imagination (which it very well could have been) or an actual reality, the physical nature of that quick scene that flashed before my eyes was enough to provoke memories that have seemingly been lost within hallways that have long been abandoned. Our minds are made up of nothing other than hallways, ruts, and crevasses, hallways of thoughts, ideas, and memories; deep carved ruts of persistent action called addictions; and crevasses due to trauma that have either scarred over or have been infected with a sickness. I do say that when all of these things combine for the perfect storm within the head it causes one to act and react in less than “normal” or healthy ways, which inevitably causes adverse consequences, which only make the situation worse than it ever was in the first place.

But what of the life that flashed before my eyes? It was odd the conflicting feelings, I didn’t feel any intolerable pain, but rather, I felt a sorrow that couldn’t escape me, nonetheless I also at moments felt genuinely happy when the sorrow wasn’t surfacely present, because when all of the people were scrambling and rushing out of those now abandoned hallways, in their rush to leave many of them dropped and left behind treasures upon those dusty floors that I found as I walked them all alone at this time whilst I drove home. The sorrow came from the immediate scene, but it was the old, dusty treasures that caused me to genuinely smile.   

An Analytical Approach 2...

I want to make it clear that I have never used or abused drugs, or have ever ingested anything alcoholic. I am just writing my experiences from my understanding and view point.

There is a feeling that creeps up in me often that causes me to start to panic. It is this feeling that has crippled me from attaining any sense of consistent reliability within my work and school, and relationships. When I start to feel this way I run down to my room, pull out my laptop and write, and I read the things I have written previously. This eases my panic state greatly and it’s like I can breathe again and I become calm. The truth is, I imagine this is how a drug addict feels when he needs his fix. But I ask the question, what is it that anybody does, addict or not, when they start to feel not very good? They naturally reach out for, desire and yearn for the things they “love” and want. I ask another question. I don’t claim to know much about the brain other then what I know about my own brain and how it affects me. I ask what is the difference between anything that we really like or like to do, and the straight up physical sensations of chemical substances, just on an extreme end of the scale? Everything we do alters and changes our brain, it’s just that drugs do them on a greater more direct scale. I use the example, but it is only one example and can be related to nearly anything I think on largely different scales, but I use the example of people who skydive. People who are attracted to doing this thing consistently are attracted to it because it is an extreme rush and it elates the mind and senses. I think that this is the case for nearly anything that anybody does on utterly less extreme scales. What is grief other than a symptom of withdrawal from loved ones?

I, upon learning about the damage to my brain have pondered and wondered greatly as to why this is. I now have physical evidence of this trauma to my brain, but have known for quite awhile that there was something wrong. The truth is I know when the physical damage occurred because I felt with all of the agony and long term suffering that came with it portions of my brain suffocating and dying when it did, but finding evidence that supports my claim is nearly impossible. This is why no one knows my path. I do not raise myself up above others but I say that I know what it means to grieve, and I have been to the depths of its extreme end and experienced things that I know not many others have within that process. I do not admit to saying that loved ones are comparable to elicit drugs, but I believe that the withdrawal symptoms can be very similar to the experiences of extreme, tremendous, and sickening grief, from not only separation from loved ones but deprivation of those you dearly love, and also being, at least within the mind of the sick at the time shunned by those very loved ones, as if the air is saying coldly, “don’t breathe me.” I haven’t searched in depth upon the effects of substance withdrawal as relating to what I am trying to say yet, but I have briefly looked around online for info. I have read several bits of information about the affects of cold turkey withdrawal online from various sources. One thing I read stated concerning certain types of substances states:  These drugs gradually alter your brain chemistry, which is why it takes several weeks for them to really start "working." By stopping cold turkey, you're basically slamming your brain from its altered state. Basically, it's like blunt force trauma to the brain. As a result, this sends the brain into chaos and of course, this affects our neurotransmitters and central nervous system.

I want to make it clear that I have never abused drugs or ever drank anything alcoholic, but I know what it feels to be drunk and high, but not because of any physical choice upon my part, and I suppose if I were to say that to someone they would be turned off by it because I stated that I knew what it was like to be high, but I say why would anybody be turned off or turn away anyone who needs help. I do and have needed help for years. I have been crippled and have felt crippled for years when it comes to being able to function properly and normally in life. It was so bad that I thought that God had damned me because I couldn’t do simple things in life, but it is my brain. Nothing will ever change anything that has already happened, even though at my very worst within my desperate halls of delusions I have utterly believe that I will find myself one day opening my eyes and being sixteen again. One can’t imagine the things that my mind has succumbed to believing because of the utter shock in which it found itself. The parts of it that were suffocating away led me to believe the most ridiculous, sad, and pathetic things one could ever imagine. I didn’t believe reality and I couldn’t tell what was real. I didn’t believe that I was real when I was eternally and desperately struggling with trying not to hate people I’d loved from my years of childhood to adulthood…to be continued…

Beautiful

No extravagant verses or intricate words, or any complex rhymes or lyrics, or any amount of fancy terminology can ever say what the simple word “beautiful” means when applied to the night sky. It is beautiful and it is nothing more complicated than that. I love it, I love the stars and I love the heavens, they mean everything to me because they were there for me, and they will always have my childlike wonder and awe and appreciation. As cliché as it sounds I really do see myself in that ocean of stars, they mirror my heart with their grand expanse from horizon to horizon while simultaneously expressing their divine innocence. If you’d like to know a secret of the ages, go outside at night and look up into the sky and ask it a question that has been weighing upon your mind. A question about anything, and as you think of your question as you would think of it within a prayer, you will see the right answer within the stars more clearly than you’ve ever seen anything before in your entire life. The night sky is a giant reflecting pool of grandeur, beauty, innocence, and love. It is a pure testimony of the most divine principles of goodness and truth and it will share nothing other than its truth with those who wonder to look up at night. It is the night sky, and it is beautiful.  

An Analytical Approach...

An Analytical Approach To The State Of The Human Psyche As Observed And Described By Yours Truly, Me.

I wrote this paper over the course of a week or two. The first part is a paper I wrote at an instance when I was illustrating an emotional way that I felt, the second part I try my best to analyze why it is that I felt that way with an unbiased eye.  

I can make you weep; cause you to ball your eyes out for hours. But I can also make you happier than you’ve ever been; cause you to be ecstatic if you get to know me. But I say that not many know me, and not one knows my path. Not one knows the hours I’ve spent searching the night sky for answers through wet eyes, for answers I’ll not ever receive before the questions themselves fade away from my dimming mind. For those of you who do know me though I apologize, I am not an easy person to know, for my acquaintance comes hand and hand with a burden, and to know me is to share a portion of that burden. This is my world witnessed through a glistening fall of tears…but my eyes see clearer when they are wet.

All of these things and feelings only cause me, the sole owner, observer and experiencer of these emotions to question their very meaning and or even worth. How is it that earlier today I was feeling so incredible and great about life, but now I am filled with pain and feelings that tear at my very depths which cause me to struggle with everyday living? If this thing that is me can be “cured” with a pill, then what are these words worth at all? If I were cured then perhaps I would never write such words as these, so that only causes me to question the very purpose in my emotions, are they purposeless, and everything I feel means nothing? Or are these words, which are driven by my emotions’ only purpose to be evaluated and to be critiqued in order to study the psychological reasoning’s of an unwell mind, and the passions and original intents of my ideas don’t mean a thing?

If that is true then how can we ever be inspired by people’s words that have throughout history been utterly much more passion filled, emotional and obsessive then mine? Can anyone be inspired by my words even though they are only written in the first place because of how unbalanced-ingly emotional they are? If so then how can they justify curing me? Do I write of things of great psychological interest? Or do I write of things that are purposeless? If everyone who ever had a psychological, emotional, or obsessive issue were cured in their problem then we would have far less great works in general, but alas I suppose we also would have far less great tragedies as well.

I know that I am not well. In my prayers I ask God what on earth is wrong with me? My words are cast into the infinite void of words of the world, but mine are as words of a ghost, shinning forth from the heart of a specter who wanders the halls in search of something he’ll never find. An opinion from my systematical approach and personal interest outside of the way I feel is that maybe these specters whom as I often times feel as one, search in vain are only damned because they search for the wrong things which ultimately can never come to them. But how can one ever part with an idea that has ultimately caused one to be the very person one has become? It is like an eternal enigma that cannot be solved or fixed, and the only thing one can do about it is to become themselves a mystery that cannot be solved.

Let us delve for a moment into the human psyche. I have been told to “just let it go” quite often in my life concerning great matters, and also of matters of little eternal significance, but I say that I am not usually trying to grind a topic into the ground, it’s just that when everyone else has come to their own conclusions on a matter I am still desiring to see all of the rest of the aspects of the matter that have not even gotten close to being covered with the brief surface discussion. I am not trying to be over analytical but it’s just others move on with the topic so fast and before I’ve even started to think about it.

Also, “just let it go” this is interesting to me because how can one let go of who they are? When a person is brought to the edge of darkness, the boundary of death itself and one realizes the infinite depths of the soul and starts to understand and see the never ceasing scales of heaven and hell, one yearns, and prays and begs for something to show them some sort of light or truth, because at that point there is, out of all the frivolous and trivial things within this life that continually surround our bodies, nothing else other than darkness on one side and truth on the other, and one realizes that these two things are the only things of any eternal concern or significance. What happens when one reaches this point in the depths of the mind though? I say that whether it be a mad hallucination of the desperate mind, or an actual divine vision given from God’s very angels one sees something, and that something is often times without a doubt remarkable. And regardless of from where it came, this thing that is seen inevitably, irrevocably, eternally and completely becomes the very mind, body and soul of the person. And this thing alone will do one of two things I am truly learning: it will either drive one mad, or it will send one through the very gates of Heaven, and the bearer of it is the only one who can choose which direction to go and no one else. I say that the bearer of it can choose, not signifying that we do not all have our choices, but what I mean is that the bearer has the power given him to choose madness regardless of any others intentions to “cure” him, or the bearer will choose to save himself despite others intentions or even un-intentions to damn him. The bearer has the power of his own mortal life within his hands and eternal as well. Nonetheless, the choice is very difficult either way to accomplish, just in different forms of the meaning of difficult.

Regardless of this thing, whatever it might have been, it will, even in the life after be a part of him because of the depths of which it was conceived originally, the depths which transcend this life. One major question I have is, to what end does this thing become when this thing symbolizes a thing that has already eternally become something else. Though continuing time fades the image from daily remembrances, it will surely pass through the conscience even a hundred years later when one is on his deathbed. The impact of it will not and cannot ever mean anything less then what it meant the very first time it was given even though the times of which it is remembered become further and further apart. Maybe its significance regardless of what the visual interpretation of it was, simply becomes a staple of the meaning of unfaltering truth in times of inescapable despair.

I usually write papers such as these in one given time frame in one sitting, but I have written this paper over the course of a few weeks. I did so to try to catch more of an understanding of this emotional and psychological roller coaster I ride through time. One given instance does not pass through the barrier of the walls of changing feeling or emotion. I try, as I have always naturally desired to try to gain an understanding of what it is that is true regardless of external experiences and despite the ways I feel about things in any given situation. I inescapably, as we all are, am influenced to one degree or another by the way that I feel in the things that I do, say, and write. I try to evaluate my own stance with my thoughts and words from an outside perspective from myself. I do my best to separate my own personal thoughts of what I believe others projections toward me are, and the straight analytical perspective of how I am perceived with the things that I do and say. The difference between the two: one is my bias of what I think other persons thinks of me which alters my own way of acting to try and compensate for something I only have a hunch about the way I am perceived. For example, I might have this idea that someone might think I am a loser because I struggle in school which makes me feel like a loser so I inevitably change the way that I act around that person for better or for most of the time worse, because I am overcompensating for my original thought about how that person perceives me whether it be true or not. My analytical study of myself in regards to how I am perceived is quite different though. This is my systematical breakdown of my own emotional state at any given time and the way it affects those around me… to be continued…

Excerpt from part 2:

One thing I know above all other things that I profess to know at this time about myself and others is that it is not time that heals a broken body, heart, mind or soul, it is the Atonement of Christ that heals, and only upon the ripples of time does it fulfill its purpose. Time however is the thing along with the divine principle of eternal growth and understanding which causes us to learn from our previous ideas of what we thought were true. I believe the things I say are true in any given instance that I say or write them, but time, time and time again has proven to illustrate that not everything that we think we know to be correct at any given moment will continue to be, at least within our own moral and psychological conscience be correct at any given future date, and it is the peculiarity of a true intelligent being to see their own misconstrued previous ideas and grow and move on from them when it becomes apparent that they are no longer correct regardless of emotional attachment to even the smallest of ideas. I say “peculiarity” over words such as characteristic, trait, or quality, because the word “peculiar” does not connote to me a negative aura to its meaning, and it also implies a rarity within a trait, wherein traits themselves everyone possess. Peculiarity is a thing that is often times regarded as “off” or unwelcome to the world, however is itself the very trait needed to not only understand our previous discrepancies in truth but to also apply that knowledge in our lives to continue to refine and tune our ever increasing knowledge and actions upon our knowledge of this thing I call Eternal, Unchanging, Divine Truth.               

My Year to Salvation

Upon finding myself in a never ending cycle of gloom and depression, I have decided to take a stand. Come May 1^st I am going to embark upon what I am calling a life experiment. This experiment will test my resolve and dedication to something I, though have as of late been lacking in, utterly believe in and love. This is the idea of God’s promise to all who will stand up out of the murky depths and choose to be freed from their chains. I know that I can accomplish anything I set my mind to, but I am horrendously lacking in any sense of consistency and perseverance. This is why my experiment will last one year, and I am calling it, My Year to Salvation. The idea behind this is that I have to completely understand that the past is the past, and to not let others projections toward me lessen my resolve in what it is that I want to accomplish.

I have found myself in a great pattern of dwindling away, and I cannot dwindle any longer. I have a schedule that I am going to rigorously stick to, and I have a series of goals and things that I want to accomplish within this one year mark, they include completely honoring and magnifying my callings in the church, getting back to the temple, finding a job that I love, completing a semester of college with good grades, getting my health, physically, mentally and spiritually back on track, overcoming my depression, and lastly within my major goal list finding and becoming a part of a healthy, and meaningful relationship. This is my resolve letter to those who read: I will write everyday in my Blog illustrating my progress starting with Day 1, May 1^st, and I will, with the help of others arise out of my sleep and touch my potential in this life. I am going to do what it is that I was meant to do, I am determined, I am able, I can overcome my trials and hardships. This is it, I will change my life into something beautiful, and become freed from my sorrows and gloom. I pray for help, I pray that Heavenly Father will see my desire and send angels to help me. I love the Gospel, I love my life, and I will live both of these things to the very best of my ability. Thank you everyone who has helped me this far, I am eternally grateful for your support and help. Thank you, and until May 1^st, goodbye.

Happiness...

For one who considers himself “Prone to despair,” I believe I have a unique outlook on life and those who believe they are where they want to be. For my next Book Club Review, I am reading, Man’s Search for Meaning, by Viktor E. Frankl. I am going to write a thorough review upon his book when I finish within the next few days, but I can’t help but write a little about it right now for my main Blog.

The truth is, I don’t really consider myself prone to despair, but rather I feel as if I am prone to wondering what it is that will cause me to ultimately be happy, and that makes me depressed. In the preface to the book, Frankl writes, “Happiness must happen, and the same holds for success: You have to let it happen by not caring about it. I want you to listen to what your conscience commands you to do and go on to carry it out to the best of your knowledge. Then you will live to see that in the long run – in the long run, I say! – success will follow you precisely because you had forgotten to think of it.”

Wow, what a statement. I wonder how many of us, and I use “us” frankly because I am the main being within the word “us” when I use it and am not intentionally forcing my projections solely upon everyone else, so, yes, I wonder how many of us actually do what our conscience commands us to do in any given difficult moment as opposed to doing what it is that will be the most immediate thing to relieve our surface discomfort.

But where I say does one draw the line between doing what their conscience commands, and being able to live a relatively happy life by doing what will bring them a consistent happiness from moment to moment. I have done a lot of things that I feel my conscience has commanded me to do, and many of those things in and of themselves have broken my heart because of the outcomes, nevertheless, in those moments of doing those things I felt as if I had to do them because they were the right things to do.

There is a deeper sense of “conscience” decisions, (not conscious decisions) then the moment to moment choices we face every day, and those are the decisions that will lead us through the gates of eternity. For instance, my conscience has been commanding me to do something I greatly need to do. And that is to change my life patterns. I have goals and things I want to accomplish, but a great deterrent in accomplishing those things I’ve found for myself is that even though those things will be good for me, I’ve realized that they will not bring my happiness. For example, I want to get my book published, but that truthfully will not make me happy, so I get caught in this rut of thinking “why do it if it won’t make me happy?” I want to explain this thing called happiness the way that I see it, then evaluate my happiness. I’ve noticed in my life and many other’s lives whom I associate with that they say that they are happy, but the very things that “are causing them to be happy” are things that they look at with their beautiful eyes tilted down and to the left. I say with all of the conviction in my soul that the habits of one’s eyes clearly mirror their unspoken, true feelings. They are the windows of the soul so they naturally give, albeit subtle clues to one’s desires. This strange thing is where I live, because though I am still within the midst of great confusion and uncertainty at this point in my life, I am an advocate of truth. And one’s eyes tilting down and to the left signify preoccupation with possibly what their conscience is commanding them to do, for their own true benefit and ultimate happiness.

Now, I say why will not getting my book published cause me to be happy. Well, truthfully I suppose it would to some degree, but when one has experienced as much true happiness as I have at times in my life, getting my book published is easily one of those things of which my eyes tilt down and to the left whilst a smile crosses my face. Why would I be preoccupied? Because maybe getting my book published is not ultimately what I am searching for and should only be in and of itself a stepping block to true success.

I will step up the scenario here. One day I wish to be married in the Temple. This however is an issue of great concern for me, because I cannot enter into a vow with a daughter of God unless I know my eyes will always and forever look straight forward into hers and never tilt to one side or the other. The truth is that the act alone of being married will not bring me happiness either. So, what on earth is it that will cause a person to be happy? As far as I have read, Francl has said, “For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one’s dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one’s surrender to a person other than oneself.”

I say that marriage might force one to dedicate their life to another, which supposedly will, in Francl’s words eventually cause happiness. But, as true and profound as I believe that statement is I easily saw that there is more to this than the original intent or meaning of what he said. Do not misinterpret my words, what he said is true, but I say that far too often people “pursue” and I’ll use the example of marriage as a means to gain their happiness, when in reality the act alone of getting married does not bring happiness. Then after the act of it, if one pursued marriage as a means of happiness, instead of finding eventual peace and happiness in their decision to be married as a natural next step in the process of life, one is forced by the binding powers of marriage to dedicate their lives to the person they chose to marry even though they only did so originally to be happy. What is wrong though with what I just said? It is the word “force.” When one is forced to dedicate one’s life, the very essence of the meaning of dedication is skewed and ultimately unfulfilling.

Please know that I am not degrading or downplaying the importance of marriage. I believe that we all should be married. But I am only emphasizing the importance of pursing it for the right reasons. One should not get married to become happy, and I believe that that is the reason for far too many marriages. We should not stop getting married but rather we should start understanding that marriage in and of itself will not make you happy.

I say the reason we are married in the first place, is to ultimately attain Godhood. Why is it that we need to be married to attain Godhood? Well, the answer is simple, because God cannot be God without His wife. Why is that though? Because, what would God have to dedicate Himself to unless he were not bound freely to another? Ah, but it is God’s purpose to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man, so that is what he can dedicate himself to. But I say that without his wife there would be no man.

It is true that we must be married, and even those who find that marriage is not the very epitome of becoming happy, they can find their happiness within their children, because there is no coercion in loving a baby child, because there is nothing but beauty in their eyes. And that type of love stirs a desire for dedication that cannot be described with words and there is no looking down and to the left when looking into the eyes of your very own baby child. But alas it is this type of desire that should be felt in the very first reasoning’s of becoming married, and I just think that that doesn’t happen enough, which really just breaks my heart.           

For anyone...

For anyone who has ever suffered from severe depression, and I don’t mean just feeling really bad and horrible sometimes, I mean consistent feelings that are literally crippling, and devastating to the mind, heart and soul. For anyone who experiences these types of feelings on any regular basis just know that I know how you feel. They are horrible and I would not wish these things on anyone. I know the feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness all too well, and I know how hard it is when loved ones just don’t understand and take it personally that you’re struggling. I do say that there is nothing much more painful to bear when judgment befalls you and you simply need nothing other than love, help and understanding. Just know that, even though you don’t feel like it you are stronger than those feelings that come over you, and they are there for you to overcome. This life is yours to master and to perfect in your way, and to have anything your heart desires. This is your life, and you are blest beyond all else.

I know the feelings like you have nowhere to go and there is nothing for you, and the very instances of having those feelings in the first place is only magnified when you see that those that you really do care about and love start to push you away because they think you are choosing to do things that make a person depressed. It is a horrible and a devastating place to be, because all you need is love, but you get criticism, and others don’t see that, they only see a person that is unhappy and no good for anyone else’s benefit. It is remarkable, if not tragic that there is a point when it clicks in a person’s head that they feel the only way they’re going to get what they desperately need is when their very life is at stake. Why it ever even has to come to this point in the first place I’ll never know. But I do know intimately that there often times is no full recovery for a person who’s been in that situation. One can try to mark it up as a learning experience, and yes indeed there are many lessons to be learned from such a trial, but often the sheer trauma of such an event is more horrendously crippling for the beautiful soul that the event encounters. And it is only known to that soul the pain of the situation, because no one else who has not gotten to the point where they think that taking their own life is the only way to get what they desperately need can possible fathom the eternal racking of mind, spirit, and body.       

I am Jacob, and I am here to be tested and proven. My namesake is strong, my ideas are strong, my passion is strong. I know there is a God, I know that I have great power, and though my mind is hurt, and my body is hurt, and my heart is hurt, and my soul is hurt, I know that there is a God and I know that I can be healed, I know that I will be healed.

D&C Section 42; 48And again, it shall come to pass that he that hath ^afaith in me to be ^bhealed, and is not ^cappointed unto death, shall be ^dhealed.

 49He who hath faith to see shall see.

 50He who hath faith to hear shall hear.

 51The lame who hath faith to leap shall leap.