I had an interesting day today. I saw a slew of different people from all corners of my life. It was very strange needless to say. I felt as an observer of people and emotions. Firstly, this morning I met with a man who has utterly changed my life for the better and is still helping me through a lot of issues. Secondly, for some reason, and not to say I didn’t want to, but the thought popped into my head to call a good friend of mine who recently has gotten married. We played some legit street ball and reminisced about the good ol’ days. We talked like how we used to talk when we were best friends from years past. Then, I briefly skated with my current best friend and went to BOP where I saw John, the owner of Board of Provo who I haven’t seen for what seems as though a year. Then, upon deciding to head home, I had the great idea to stop at Macey’s and grab a Jones. I still haven’t decided if doing this thing is a good or bad idea for my psyche, but I continue to do it regardless. But, there is, on any given day I decide to grab a Jones, a pleasant acquaintance waiting at the end of the checkout counter bagging my groceries. A girl whose name I have long forgotten, but remember from my Provo High seminary class. Every time it seems she is there and over the years it has become somewhat of an unspoken, unofficial tradition to do nothing more or less than to casually wave and smile at each other as I pass her by with Jones in hand. I however did not see her there this time, so I checked myself out and walked out whilst waving at no one. But, on the way to my car I nearly had a panic attack as I scrambled to open my locked car door. I do say that I am not spending any more time in Provo, or even at Macey’s than I ever have, but I am oddly bumping into and seeing a dramatic increase in past acquaintances, and I just don’t know how to take that or what to do about it. Should I lessen my visits to Provo? Should I get over my issues? I don’t know, is it irrational of me to scramble into my car when confronted with a memory? Maybe it is, but don’t judge me according to that until you get to know me better… then you can judge me all you want… Then, as I was making my way into Orem something happened. I don’t know how to describe it. Have you ever seen your life flash before your eyes? Literally, flash before your eyes in an instant…driving in a car going the opposite direction? I say that it happens on more occasions than just the one before you are about to die. Whether it was a figment of my imagination (which it very well could have been) or an actual reality, the physical nature of that quick scene that flashed before my eyes was enough to provoke memories that have seemingly been lost within hallways that have long been abandoned. Our minds are made up of nothing other than hallways, ruts, and crevasses, hallways of thoughts, ideas, and memories; deep carved ruts of persistent action called addictions; and crevasses due to trauma that have either scarred over or have been infected with a sickness. I do say that when all of these things combine for the perfect storm within the head it causes one to act and react in less than “normal” or healthy ways, which inevitably causes adverse consequences, which only make the situation worse than it ever was in the first place.
But what of the life that flashed before my eyes? It was odd the conflicting feelings, I didn’t feel any intolerable pain, but rather, I felt a sorrow that couldn’t escape me, nonetheless I also at moments felt genuinely happy when the sorrow wasn’t surfacely present, because when all of the people were scrambling and rushing out of those now abandoned hallways, in their rush to leave many of them dropped and left behind treasures upon those dusty floors that I found as I walked them all alone at this time whilst I drove home. The sorrow came from the immediate scene, but it was the old, dusty treasures that caused me to genuinely smile.
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