I want to make it clear that I have never used or abused drugs, or have ever ingested anything alcoholic. I am just writing my experiences from my understanding and view point.
There is a feeling that creeps up in me often that causes me to start to panic. It is this feeling that has crippled me from attaining any sense of consistent reliability within my work and school, and relationships. When I start to feel this way I run down to my room, pull out my laptop and write, and I read the things I have written previously. This eases my panic state greatly and it’s like I can breathe again and I become calm. The truth is, I imagine this is how a drug addict feels when he needs his fix. But I ask the question, what is it that anybody does, addict or not, when they start to feel not very good? They naturally reach out for, desire and yearn for the things they “love” and want. I ask another question. I don’t claim to know much about the brain other then what I know about my own brain and how it affects me. I ask what is the difference between anything that we really like or like to do, and the straight up physical sensations of chemical substances, just on an extreme end of the scale? Everything we do alters and changes our brain, it’s just that drugs do them on a greater more direct scale. I use the example, but it is only one example and can be related to nearly anything I think on largely different scales, but I use the example of people who skydive. People who are attracted to doing this thing consistently are attracted to it because it is an extreme rush and it elates the mind and senses. I think that this is the case for nearly anything that anybody does on utterly less extreme scales. What is grief other than a symptom of withdrawal from loved ones?
I, upon learning about the damage to my brain have pondered and wondered greatly as to why this is. I now have physical evidence of this trauma to my brain, but have known for quite awhile that there was something wrong. The truth is I know when the physical damage occurred because I felt with all of the agony and long term suffering that came with it portions of my brain suffocating and dying when it did, but finding evidence that supports my claim is nearly impossible. This is why no one knows my path. I do not raise myself up above others but I say that I know what it means to grieve, and I have been to the depths of its extreme end and experienced things that I know not many others have within that process. I do not admit to saying that loved ones are comparable to elicit drugs, but I believe that the withdrawal symptoms can be very similar to the experiences of extreme, tremendous, and sickening grief, from not only separation from loved ones but deprivation of those you dearly love, and also being, at least within the mind of the sick at the time shunned by those very loved ones, as if the air is saying coldly, “don’t breathe me.” I haven’t searched in depth upon the effects of substance withdrawal as relating to what I am trying to say yet, but I have briefly looked around online for info. I have read several bits of information about the affects of cold turkey withdrawal online from various sources. One thing I read stated concerning certain types of substances states: These drugs gradually alter your brain chemistry, which is why it takes several weeks for them to really start "working." By stopping cold turkey, you're basically slamming your brain from its altered state. Basically, it's like blunt force trauma to the brain. As a result, this sends the brain into chaos and of course, this affects our neurotransmitters and central nervous system.
I want to make it clear that I have never abused drugs or ever drank anything alcoholic, but I know what it feels to be drunk and high, but not because of any physical choice upon my part, and I suppose if I were to say that to someone they would be turned off by it because I stated that I knew what it was like to be high, but I say why would anybody be turned off or turn away anyone who needs help. I do and have needed help for years. I have been crippled and have felt crippled for years when it comes to being able to function properly and normally in life. It was so bad that I thought that God had damned me because I couldn’t do simple things in life, but it is my brain. Nothing will ever change anything that has already happened, even though at my very worst within my desperate halls of delusions I have utterly believe that I will find myself one day opening my eyes and being sixteen again. One can’t imagine the things that my mind has succumbed to believing because of the utter shock in which it found itself. The parts of it that were suffocating away led me to believe the most ridiculous, sad, and pathetic things one could ever imagine. I didn’t believe reality and I couldn’t tell what was real. I didn’t believe that I was real when I was eternally and desperately struggling with trying not to hate people I’d loved from my years of childhood to adulthood…to be continued…
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