Well, here I am, the night before school starts. Am I nervous? No. Am I worried? Not really. I however might be a little sad though. I mean this because I only wish I had had this desire a long time ago. I had a few opportunities and even enrolled a couple times in different schools but those times I didn’t have that yearning desire or wondrous vision, I was only doing it because it was what I was supposed to do and to appease what others wanted me to do which only led to some pretty sad events in my life. This time is different though, I want this so much and there are no worries, just excitement and like I said just a tint of sadness in my lateness. But it is time to press forward diligently now up and out of my old thought patterns and use all of the blessings that I have at my disposal. I’ve tried to do things on my own in the past but I’ve realized that I can’t do anything that way. I’ve realized that I need my family and I need my friends, and something that I’ve also realized is, is that even though I’ve not ever felt that great about myself, that others need me and love me as well. I write with tears in my eyes because I feel as though I am waking up out of a deep sleep where the past, present and future were continually scrolling before my eyes yet it was all unattainable, like I couldn’t grasp any of it, stuck in limbo if you will. It’s like I had a distinct visibility of the endless possibilities, yet everything I knew was only an intangible dream. But here I am now, blessed with a new passion and I’ve got this body to accomplish my dreams that I’ve dreamt from my very beginnings. And what are those dreams? They are dreams of accomplishment, dreams of self freedom and true expression, and dreams of companionship, of simply not being alone. I don’t want to be stuck in an emotional fissure, but it is so difficult to say goodbye and let go to what I would consider my life even though it’s already said goodbye and let go of me. I toss in the nights haunted by my dreams sometimes and I wake up and pray. I ask for a place to stay when ghosts loom in my mind. I ask for angels to come and banish those demons that tear at my soul. Then I cry, “Why?!” Why do I feel these things? Is it my lot to suffer in this manner? To not only struggle with the trials of this mortal life but to tirelessly fend off those immortal beasts from the unseen world as well. One thing I know is that I will always pray, I will always have a prayer in my heart as I press forward seeking for those places of refuge as I go and fishing out those who are searching as well. I am a child of Heavenly Parents whom offer such grandness to me it is almost unfathomable. How could I ever doubt it? Maybe this is why I’ve struggled so, maybe it is this way so I will have that undeniable faith in the Gospel even though I struggle. I only hope that through my many weaknesses and great stupidity in action often, others might see what little light I have and will desire to be better. I have many desires but one that trumps most others is that I might be able to be a shining light somehow to those who might be lost or those who might be hurting and in need. I’d give my life for a friend in need; there would be no question in the matter. I’ve seen the tolls that this life can take on an individual very intimately and I’ve experienced many hardships myself and I’ve learned that there is not an ounce of justification in judging others critically. How could I ever desire to hurt someone else? We only damn ourselves when we criticize in a negative fashion, yet I do it all the time; I do it in ways that I don’t even realize very often until later pondering upon the ignitions of why I do and say those things in the first place. Mostly I think when I judge critically it is in those moments where I’ve felt some type of animosity toward an individual and when moments arise in actuality that animosity arises out of me in the form of slight underhanded comments and re-altered paths of word play. For the most part I can tell right away if the things that I’ve said or done in those moments of frustration affect the other person and I always feel really bad about it almost instantaneously. So why should I ever try to bring someone down by my actions? One thing that I’ve found to help me overcome this type of behavior is by simply doing something good for the person I have those negative feelings for, to simply give of myself for those people and to spend my thoughts on what they really do need, in the giving of my own self I gain myself back. There is an oddity in this parallel. The oddity is, is that there can be and are all the time seemingly contrary statements, or impossible options that are what is true and it in and of itself does not connote an ambiguous nothingness of indifference. To me it’s almost like it’s the exact opposite of limbo, true paradoxes, or the infinite circles of the universe that mirror externally our very own souls. I am fascinated by this world I live in and there are times when it is like a clear sky that opens through the clouds and nothing seems difficult to accomplish because it’s like I understand the depth of this place I live and I understand the rules so clearly and I see them vividly to the point I think I can fly up and ascend through that portal of blue skies, then as a feather flits to the ground my mind slowly becomes clouded with what I can only describe as a cloud or covering that blocks out this vastly untapped world of endless potential and then I only see the challenges and never ending mountains to ascend, yet I have the knowledge of what I’ve seen in those moments of true clarity from before. I simply have to act on faith that what I know I’ve seen is real and unchanging regardless of my fluctuating earthly vision. It’s so difficult though to act when all I see is Mount Everest even though I know I am deeper and higher then it will ever be. I sigh and write my poetry when I see my Mount Everest because it helps me keep that faith that it is not only possible but already ascended and deemed worthy and doable for a soul the likes of mine. I will press forward through this vast valley of frustration and strive to keep those moments where the clouds dissolve away in my heart even when I’m walking headlong through the storm. I will find a way and if there is no way then I will blaze my own trail and that shall be my path to my ultimate goal of never ending peace of mind and wholeness of spirit. I believe though that the path has already been blazon upon all facet of the mountain and there is no crevasse, no gully, no gap, no inch of the mountain that has not been trod before by Our Savior. My goal is to press forward regardless of car wrecks in my past, for when I shall make it to the top I’ll let my Savior help me work out those unsolvable troubles that I bear upon my chest in this world. I will cry into his arms and He will wipe away my tears and show me something that I could never have imagined before because I cannot see within all of the corridors of my mind that I’ve delve through to try and find a solution how my car wreck will ever be completely repaired in this life but with all of my heart and soul I know somehow that it can be because I know the Atonement is real, I know my Savior lives and I know all of this because I’ve prayed in the depths of my soul for understanding and I’ve seen marvelous things. To end I’ll say that I love the Gospel with all of my heart and I never will not.
No comments:
Post a Comment