My OCD about Truth

My OCD about Truth

My life is continually colored by masses of unbalanced chemicals produced by my brain. Basically what I mean be that is I can hardly ever trust the way I am feeling. These torrents of fluctuating emotions are a problem in and of themselves, but it triggers and creates another crippling problem. That is that I don’t ever really know what is normal or the way I should feel, which makes another problem which causes me to question the very existence of reality. I walk a careful line in this problem because if I can understand that this really is a problem than I can keep my mind about me and be rational in real life, but if I start to lose myself in this world of strange, never consistent thoughts and feelings, which I regret to say that I have a few times in the past, than I start to believe along the same lines of how I feel. I mean by this, that the things I know to be true, and the things I feel are not the same thing. For example, there are moments when I feel that I have really messed my life up and I can’t ever make it better, and there are moments when I feel like I’ve really hurt or scared someone by things I might have said to them and because of that they will never want to see me again, but for the most part I know those things aren’t true even though I experience the emotional consequences of if they had been true. I don’t know why this burdens me, but it has caused me to search out and yearn for something never changing and always consistent, and what I’ve found in my searching through the foggy corridors of my mind is that the only thing that never changes is truth itself. This is what I have designated as my constant in this life. That no matter how many waves of clashing and horrendously painful emotions are aroused in me I have that Iron Rod that I can clasp a hold to with all my strength and heart. This is why I am fascinated with true principles, true people, true events, and anything else that embodies this light that is truth itself. This has caused me to look for truth in other people, and caused me to be attracted to people with that type of unique truth in them that I can see, because they are being in physical form my constants. It is strange I know but I can only do what I can do. Long story short, I need the truth, because it is beautiful, and my negative, painful, inconsistent emotions are not. Truth is truth and it never changes, and in this truth that has just been given, this is where lies Eternal Salvation.          

Where are your eyes looking?

I hope this makes sense to someone...

I recently have been feeling very uninspired. But I just cleaned my room, made my bed, and had a very long conversation with Heavenly Father(something I think we all need to do more often… you know, clean your room then make your bed, and then have a conversation with Heavenly Father. Prayers become something much more than just talking to your bed when you’ve made an effort to clean what you can around you before starting the conversation.) Well, anyway, my knees started to ache but I was too enthralled in feelings I’ve not felt for awhile. What did I get out of my conversation this night? I found something very important, almost as if it were a gem that I’d lost once upon a time. Let me tell you what I learned tonight by telling you of a conflict of understating that I’ve had with the spirit. I’ve always tried my very best to understand the spirit, and let me tell you, it can be confusing sometimes. Confusing, like you might feel the spirit sometimes, but whatever thought you were having that you thought was the spirit never came to fruition. Then you might think that it must not have been the spirit. But nay I say to that. If we pull ourselves out of this rut of trying to figure out what the spirit feels like in any given situation, and focus on what it doesn’t feel like, then is when I believe we can truly be inspired as to what to do. I feel like the next things I say need to be put a very specific way, so I will do my best to translate my thoughts to you in this matter, so focus on the words I use to describe this. To put it plainly, I believe you can know the spirit is speaking when there is no creeping, or looming, or unresolved feeling in your thoughts. These thoughts usually are accompanied by natural, physical responses such as, most prominently, blankly looking down and to the left. Don’t ask me why I say that, but I think it’s true. But here is where I think people get confused upon this matter of determining the spirit from personal desires. If you are praying about something and there is no looming feeling that it is wrong, one might assume that it is right, but after nothing comes of this right feeling, even when prayed about again and again then they get all frustrated that it must not have been the spirit speaking. I could say that you just have to have faith and believe it was still the spirit telling you it was right even if nothing was ever going to come of it to simply try your faith. I could say that, and yes, God does try our faith sometimes, but I think there is a more legitimate road to understanding this thing than to simply say it was to try our faith. Please read this, When nothing comes after you’re positive that it was the spirit telling you it was right, that doesn’t mean it wasn’t right. What I’m saying is, wrong things happen in this world all the time, and yes, it is a tragedy when angels come down and work so hard to inspire someone in goodness, to simply have those beautiful truths that they whisper to our souls broken to pieces by other people who are, at the same time being inspired by the angels of the devil.

I just want to say that the spirit is with us when we show a little respect and faith by getting down on our knees, and simply addressing Heavenly Father and speaking as if we were speaking to someone we love. (Also close in the name of His Son Jesus Christ.) Also, I want to say more about this blankly looking down and to the left. It is what I do a lot when I’m trying to justify in my mind doing something I truly know isn’t right, and I’ve noticed that a lot of other people do it to from observing even complete strangers conversations with each other. I need to emphasize the “blankly” because I think people look down and to the left in other situations but not blankly, such as coming to a profound conclusion, that is more of an actively searching looking down and to the left, it usually is accompanied by a furrowed brow. Well, anyway I’ve told you that I like to observe people and mimic what they do to get a better understanding of what they truly were feeling and thinking. And that’s my problem with myself, because I can’t really observe myself as another would observe me. That is why I struggle with understanding who it is that I am because I can’t mimic myself, I just am myself. Well, back to what I was saying. This blankly staring down and to the left, from what I’ve felt about it is that we are not actually looking at anything in the physical world but rather we are searching our own soul for a never attainable sense of permission in carrying out whatever act it is that we want to do that might not be right. So, and I have to say that at least for myself, when I find myself looking down and to the left after contemplating doing something I’m uncertain of, that is usually, I think inspiration enough that it is not an idea of the spirit but rather my own wisdom that is flawed and human. I feel as though I’ve been looking down and to the left quite a lot lately. That is why I’ve been feeling very uninspired in my actions because I’m justifying too much doing the wrong thing. I have to do what I think is the right thing, and I will do it no matter what. No matter if I end up looking like a fool, because I’ve already done that plenty doing wrong things. I will as Nephi said, go and do. I will choose the right even if I am shunned, or made fun of. I will even if I think it might hurt someone’s feelings because I can solemnly handle a person being mad at me even though it makes me sad, but I can’t stand the Lord being disappointed in my actions or unwillingness to do action.

Ps. Also, when someone is presented with something that is true and touches their hearts they might also then look down and to the left because I do it all the time. That doesn’t mean it’s not true, it means we are either trying to make it not true because we don’t want to accept it, or we do accept it and are ashamed of ourselves. For crying out loud people, just do what’s right, let the consequence follow. Show some faith and stand up when you want to shrink and then when you do shrink, shrink with a prayer in your heart that you’ll have the strength to stand up again. Please, please, do what’s right.

Well, this is what I was inspired to write about this night after my conversation with Heavenly Father. Please respect my thoughts and respect yours as well, goodnight.

Butterflies...

“Pure mathematics is in its way, the poetry of logical ideas.”

-Albert Einstein  

This quote gave me butterflies.

a little high...

Forgive me if this is an odd post. I think I’ve been a wee bit high these last few days from the freshly painted walls in my room. I’m twitchy, paranoid, and I’ve been having strong desires to imitate scitzo villains in the movies. “do you want to know how I got these scars?”

Well, anyway, in an attempt to keep my blog still uplifting I will talk about school. I love school.

Now, I’ll talk about a life question that I’m really concerned about. And I’m asking it in the form of asking it as if I’m saying that someone else asked me it, to try and make you think that I’m not the one with the problem, as all those little kid actors in the black and white seventies family sitcoms did. Then the loving father comfortingly tells me… I mean his son something like “Well, Jimmy, sometimes you just have to tell the truth even if it might end up hurting some ones feelings. And if Johnny really is your friend he might be mad at you for a little bit, but he’ll eventually come around slugger.”

“I guess pa, but how long do you think he’ll be mad at me,” I ask…I mean Jimmy asks sincerely.

  Wow, I pretty much just wrote a whole script to this little analogy. I deleted it because I was drifting far too far away from my original point which now I’m not even sure what that is… son-gun!  

Well, I don’t think it’s often that I’ve no moral to my blog post but I’m posting it anyway for cryin’ out loud just to change things up and away from my often times depressing posts.

O yeah, this is what I wanted to talk about. Do you ever feel like you have to do something that you really don’t want to do? I don’t mean things like homework or other obligations of such nature. I mean things that really will completely change your life if you just do one little thing, and if you do it, it might make you want to cry because it is just that important to you. I don’t know, I’m just rambling now, and am fuming over something that I don’t want to do at all, but feel like I need to for the sake of what’s ultimately best for me and others I know and care about. I’ve already committed myself to doing this thing by writing five whole pages about it today. After analyzing my own words I’ve concluded that this is one of those moments where you’re not sure that there is going to be anything under your foot but you step forward anyway. I hate it but from what I wrote about this problem I’ve also concluded that everything will be so much better in the long run if I do it. Sigh. I need to pray right now. Until next time my dear readers. Sorry it was a little scatter brained, it’s the paint’s fault. Goodbye.

I Will Write

  I Will Write

A man approached me at a time
When I was low and life was grim,
He asked if I for him would write,
I said, “I’m sorry sir, my words are dim.”

He said, “That’s fine but would you try
For me to write just one poem?”
Surprised I looked him in the eye
And said, “Fancy words, I’m sorry sir, I simply just don’t know em’.”

He said, “Alright, well, I’ll let you be,”
Then I continued through my night,
After a moment though still he
Asked if I for him would write.

I said again, “Sir, I’ve feeble speech,
I’m full of flaws and I’ve no ink,
There are others with more learned techniques
My tongue’s too dumb, I’m cursed I think.”

He asked again though if I would write,
But this time he used a speech so fine,
He said, “I’ll cause your words to be so bright,
More so than the stars that shine.

And in your night which was mine too,
You’ll see your cup of ink is full,
For I’m who you’ve been praying to,
And your words with me are remarkable.

All I ask of you is this,
That you scribe the words given from me,
You can’t see yet how you’ll be blest,
But I know you wish to be set free.

I testify that they’re in the sky,
They’re in the Earth my Eternal Word
I’ve blest you through your dreary night
So you can hear what yearns to be heard.

Scribe for me this day and be
Set apart from others who
Dabble in decaying creeds
And write for me what you know is true.”

“Forgive me Lord, of course I will!”
I heard and then broke down and cried,
“I will and see these words distill
And for thee My God, forever I will write.”

-Jacob Winterfeldt

Here are some scriptures...

Sometimes I feel lost, like I am less than a needle in an infinite field of haystacks. It is very easy for me to get discouraged, but I press on anyway. I find myself wondering if I’ll ever amount to anything other than a bum on the streets, I’ve considered it… My problem isn’t believing that I have potential, but rather it is figuring out how to harness it.

There is only one thing that stops me from learning how to fend for myself on the cold, hard city streets, and it isn’t the gospel. It is the fact that I’ll never be able to hold in my arms the love of my life. One big motivator for me to become anything is so I can share everything with the girl I love. A close second motivator is my childlike fascination with sunsets.

But, truthfully, despite what many individuals might think about me, I have no desire to be married any time soon. I do want to be married in the temple, but I’m still learning how to properly see through my emotionally colored glasses upon the matter of marriage. I simply want to love, and I’ve found that it is not hard to love, but rather it is hard to appropriately interpret the feelings of love into physical action with its vast and varying types.

I’ve spent far too long thinking about this matter. Why should two people get married in the first place? You should know that I believe people should be married, but I still ask the same question for the sake of understanding people’s reasons. Should two people be married because they love each other? Well, there is far too much within the realms of language, meanings, and psychology to fit into a little blog post upon this matter but I’ll touch on a few of my opinions upon it here. I think real love is another word for sincerity, true sincerity for the welfare of another, if this is the case than love is not a definitive reason to be married. They say love conquers all, and I agree with that in the right context, but I think people misinterpret what that means. I think to the world people think that if two people truly love each other than they can be together regardless of any barriers that stand in the way. There might be individual moments in history where this context of that meaning is justified in being correct, but I think that love conquers all in the way of truly understanding the real barriers in which your love should not try to push through. There is nothing greater than love so in that way, love truly does conquer all, but love is only love because it doesn’t conquer at all, it is its own perfect sincerity which makes the very fibers of all things desire it. And when there is a mutual feeling of this type of love than that is what can never be undone or ever broken regardless of any boundaries.

It is love that causes miracles to be, any miracle at all. The very fibers of the universal consciousness that makes up this place around us are swayed by it, that emotion of true love. They are swayed by the greatest event in the history of our universe which is the Atonement of Christ, which is the very core of what love is. And when we come close to having that resemblance engraved in our essence, and in our desires than that is when we can create miracles as the Savior Himself did. The world bows down and creates a path for those whose hearts resemble that of its Savior.

Even the greatest minds in science have declared that the small world surrounding us is not mechanical, meaning it does not operate by the same means that our larger world does. It operates as if it were a conscious, living thing. The very elements that surround us all the time and unceasingly are alive with intelligence of never ending boundaries. This thing is so incredible, but this is how the Atonement can be. This is why the Savior had to be sinless but, yet suffer as he had sinned all, so the infinite span of this consciousness might be brought to order in the ranks of chaos through an infinite, perfect love. Nothing is dead and life abounds everywhere, and the very most sincere feelings that are conjured up within us when we experience such great truth are the same things the surrounding elements break down and give compassion to because they cry as we do. We merely have a body which translates this emotion into physical tears that stream down our faces. We are the very most intelligent of Gods creations, for we are in His image, but we are not the only children of Heavenly Father, He created the souls of even plants and animals, and even the bodies of the finite intelligences that make up the elements of the surrounding world. When we strip ourselves of this body, and even of our spirit body we still are. But what are we? We are, when you take away everything else pure intelligence, as is the intelligence that makes up the very fibers of any matter. The difference is, is that we were blest and chosen to be Gods heirs, and to come in to life in the image of Him, because our potential, or intelligence which I must assume has always been is Endless, whereas the potential, or intelligence of say, a rose can only ever attain the perfected state of a rose and nothing more. Even our physical body is made up of other intelligences which we have dominion over, we act and they are acted upon and must obey us according to the knowledge we have the ability to accomplish. Every cell in our body literally is a separate, individually thinking and feeling entity which receive chemical peptides produced by our brain, which ultimately cause us to feel anything and everything. This thing however is a completely different topic but all the same ultimately.

Here are some scriptures for thought upon this matter of intelligence. I love the scriptures because they contain the truth when read plainly, but they also are infinitely intricate in the way they present truths. It is like the most beautifully intricate puzzle ever designed. Just in the very way the doctrines of truth are compiled it is as if there is a grand masterpiece within the whole of the scriptures which only those who might yearn for it will ever see. The ideas behind these truths can be taught but the truths themselves must always be learned by the seeker and no one else, because you simply cannot teach a testimony. I’d write so much more but I think it is time for the scriptures to take it from here, please read particularly in this order: Jacob 4:6; 1 Nephi 20:13; 2 Nephi 2:14; D&C 93:29-30,36; D&C 88:40; and last but not least, basically all of Abraham and Moses... they’re not too long…

Now these are just very few of the pieces but if I could ask you to just read these verses and let your mind just start to understand the incalculably divine principles which they are trying to teach in their beautifully displayed way, you will be completely taken in these scriptures in what you think they mean. Intelligence is light and truth, and the more we are true, the more intelligent we become. There is so much more to it still though, but I must go now. That is all I’ll say today. Thank you, I hope I can continue to learn and grow in my understanding of this grand masterpiece that is the Gospel. And to the reader today I bid farewell, hoping that many may read my words. My dear readers, adieu.

...unfinished...

Is there anything at all that happens by chance? I really don’t know. I think mostly everything has some type of purpose behind it, but what of the miniscule, hardly noticeable events that infinitely make up the everyday happenings of life? How much of anything would have really changed today if I had worn a different shirt? Or if I hadn’t shaved? I don’t know, but I do know that there are definitely events that occur that are meant to happen and are going to happen regardless of anything else. I do not believe in fate, but rather I believe in some word that I don’t know exists yet, at least to my knowledge. This word describes something much more true and beautiful than what the word “fate” has succumbed to in its connotation. Destiny is even worse in its meaning. I suppose divine foreordination is closest to what I want in this word, but still it is too cold, at least to me. Maybe one day I’ll stumble upon this beautiful word I’ve not yet seen, or I’ll simply make one up. I am not opposed to making up words but I don’t think one should make something new up every time they have a funny place for it or can’t think of a real word that would suffice in the given situation. I think there are very special instances when there simply is nothing that will replace the word in the very moment that it was written and used when freely writing ones thoughts as one thinks. What is the purpose of these symbols if they cannot convey in even the least degree a smidgen of the character of our very essence-our thoughts. If a new word does not come to you in how I might describe a “crisp” way than probably an already existing word will do. Just understand what I mean by that and you’ll understand it…hmmm.

I’ve thought long and hard how to describe this foreordination, but I am simply at a loss. It is so remarkable in its truth that maybe its best there isn’t a word for what I’m trying to describe. I however, have witnessed this thing in my life from my very depths. I have dreamt incredible things and seen fulfillment of these incredible things even in my short life this far. I have spent many hours on my knees praying for understanding of other things that I’ve not yet been blest to know, yet am sure in heart that they’ve comforted me and blest me incalculably.

Miracles happen in innumerable amount of ways, such as miraculous healings and seemingly impossible physical events taking place for the safety or benefit of others, but also miracles can simply be an association. Miracles can be such small things but with grand purpose and feeling. For example, the very act of me going to school and not hating it is a miracle for me. The very fact that I am still alive is a miracle to me. I think of so many instances in my life where I either should have died or wanted to die, and I think, “How did my soul stay attached to this malfunctioning body of mine all these years?” It only makes me wonder that I must have some purpose if God hasn’t taken me back yet, even when I pleaded for him to. I’ve spent a good portion of my life deathly sick, and today, though I still have health concerns, I’ve never felt better in my life. I suppose this is the perfect time for me to, out of nowhere be diagnosed with cancer of the brain or something profoundly horrible like unto that, but truthfully, if you want my honest thoughts on the matter, I’ve never before been less afraid of dying in my life. If I were to come down with some new illness I would gratefully accept it as a new trial in my life and yes, probably some tears would be shed but I would not fear, for I know that if God wants me back home I shall go back home, but I believe with every fiber of my being by some means that I simply cannot describe that He doesn’t want me back quite yet, and that I’ve got much longer here on earth.

The reason I talk of miracles is because I think we should play more into the idea that nothing happens by accident or chance. I truly believe that we are surrounded by miracles that intervene and change and affect the course of our lives every single day. Our feelings and emotions play a pivotal part in determining the miracles from the detractors. But also, our feelings and emotions can be vices in which we can’t separate ourselves from what we want to be true and good. There are very careful ways of determining the miracles from the detractors. I say careful ways because they are perfectly humble ways, and we can never use this humble spirit of determining for our own gain and benefit because then it diffuses its own goodness. Miracles can easily become vices if we stray from this grand, yet humble nature of the miracle. …unfinished…

Through all of my weakness I still pray. I pray that the sincerity of my words might penetrate the darkness through all of my vices, that my Heavenly Father might hear my pleas. I pray that I might leave what I need to behind and keep near what I need to keep near, and that I might know clearly what it is that I need to keep or leave.

This world is beautiful. People are beautiful. And I find myself lost in a quandary of such beautiful things. I feel often like I’m the only one who sees that nearly everyone wears a mask, even I, a mask, or a front that we hide behind so as to disguise our true selves, our true desires, passions, and loves. I believe that our true selves are simply amazing in our infinite truth and light and ability for compassion. A problem with this mask is that we get lost in the perceptions we give ourselves when we look in the mirror with it on, they skew our own vision of ourselves and of others. They make us believe the world is different than how it really is. This is why I love nature. Nature does not wear a mask, it simply is what it is regardless of who doesn’t appreciate it for what it is or what it isn’t. I love the sunset, because it’s not afraid to be the sunset. It just is what it is and it is beautiful. Even I put up a front sometimes, but I love more than anything to reach out to someone I care about and caringly lift off their mask so I can see them for who they truly are. This is what means something to me, not all this surface nonsense that plagues our minds today. What is it that means something to you? Take off your mask and look in the mirror for longer than a moment and you’ll see something incredible that will change your life. And learn to see past others masks that they display because I’ve learned to do it and it is not hard once you get the hang of it. It is not hard to see who someone really is if you simply observe them for even a short period of time.

Something I find myself doing a lot, almost without thinking about it is mimicking the subtle movements of others around me. I always laugh to myself after mimicking some interesting movement of another that caught my eye, not to make fun of them but I truthfully don’t know why I do. I find it infinitely fascinating to watch the facial expressions of others. You can find out so much just by observing the tiny micro movements of the face even from the corner of your eye. I found out that there is actually a science to this thing, but I was doing it long before, “Lie to me” came out, (great show by the way.)       

…unfinished…