...unfinished...

Is there anything at all that happens by chance? I really don’t know. I think mostly everything has some type of purpose behind it, but what of the miniscule, hardly noticeable events that infinitely make up the everyday happenings of life? How much of anything would have really changed today if I had worn a different shirt? Or if I hadn’t shaved? I don’t know, but I do know that there are definitely events that occur that are meant to happen and are going to happen regardless of anything else. I do not believe in fate, but rather I believe in some word that I don’t know exists yet, at least to my knowledge. This word describes something much more true and beautiful than what the word “fate” has succumbed to in its connotation. Destiny is even worse in its meaning. I suppose divine foreordination is closest to what I want in this word, but still it is too cold, at least to me. Maybe one day I’ll stumble upon this beautiful word I’ve not yet seen, or I’ll simply make one up. I am not opposed to making up words but I don’t think one should make something new up every time they have a funny place for it or can’t think of a real word that would suffice in the given situation. I think there are very special instances when there simply is nothing that will replace the word in the very moment that it was written and used when freely writing ones thoughts as one thinks. What is the purpose of these symbols if they cannot convey in even the least degree a smidgen of the character of our very essence-our thoughts. If a new word does not come to you in how I might describe a “crisp” way than probably an already existing word will do. Just understand what I mean by that and you’ll understand it…hmmm.

I’ve thought long and hard how to describe this foreordination, but I am simply at a loss. It is so remarkable in its truth that maybe its best there isn’t a word for what I’m trying to describe. I however, have witnessed this thing in my life from my very depths. I have dreamt incredible things and seen fulfillment of these incredible things even in my short life this far. I have spent many hours on my knees praying for understanding of other things that I’ve not yet been blest to know, yet am sure in heart that they’ve comforted me and blest me incalculably.

Miracles happen in innumerable amount of ways, such as miraculous healings and seemingly impossible physical events taking place for the safety or benefit of others, but also miracles can simply be an association. Miracles can be such small things but with grand purpose and feeling. For example, the very act of me going to school and not hating it is a miracle for me. The very fact that I am still alive is a miracle to me. I think of so many instances in my life where I either should have died or wanted to die, and I think, “How did my soul stay attached to this malfunctioning body of mine all these years?” It only makes me wonder that I must have some purpose if God hasn’t taken me back yet, even when I pleaded for him to. I’ve spent a good portion of my life deathly sick, and today, though I still have health concerns, I’ve never felt better in my life. I suppose this is the perfect time for me to, out of nowhere be diagnosed with cancer of the brain or something profoundly horrible like unto that, but truthfully, if you want my honest thoughts on the matter, I’ve never before been less afraid of dying in my life. If I were to come down with some new illness I would gratefully accept it as a new trial in my life and yes, probably some tears would be shed but I would not fear, for I know that if God wants me back home I shall go back home, but I believe with every fiber of my being by some means that I simply cannot describe that He doesn’t want me back quite yet, and that I’ve got much longer here on earth.

The reason I talk of miracles is because I think we should play more into the idea that nothing happens by accident or chance. I truly believe that we are surrounded by miracles that intervene and change and affect the course of our lives every single day. Our feelings and emotions play a pivotal part in determining the miracles from the detractors. But also, our feelings and emotions can be vices in which we can’t separate ourselves from what we want to be true and good. There are very careful ways of determining the miracles from the detractors. I say careful ways because they are perfectly humble ways, and we can never use this humble spirit of determining for our own gain and benefit because then it diffuses its own goodness. Miracles can easily become vices if we stray from this grand, yet humble nature of the miracle. …unfinished…

Through all of my weakness I still pray. I pray that the sincerity of my words might penetrate the darkness through all of my vices, that my Heavenly Father might hear my pleas. I pray that I might leave what I need to behind and keep near what I need to keep near, and that I might know clearly what it is that I need to keep or leave.

This world is beautiful. People are beautiful. And I find myself lost in a quandary of such beautiful things. I feel often like I’m the only one who sees that nearly everyone wears a mask, even I, a mask, or a front that we hide behind so as to disguise our true selves, our true desires, passions, and loves. I believe that our true selves are simply amazing in our infinite truth and light and ability for compassion. A problem with this mask is that we get lost in the perceptions we give ourselves when we look in the mirror with it on, they skew our own vision of ourselves and of others. They make us believe the world is different than how it really is. This is why I love nature. Nature does not wear a mask, it simply is what it is regardless of who doesn’t appreciate it for what it is or what it isn’t. I love the sunset, because it’s not afraid to be the sunset. It just is what it is and it is beautiful. Even I put up a front sometimes, but I love more than anything to reach out to someone I care about and caringly lift off their mask so I can see them for who they truly are. This is what means something to me, not all this surface nonsense that plagues our minds today. What is it that means something to you? Take off your mask and look in the mirror for longer than a moment and you’ll see something incredible that will change your life. And learn to see past others masks that they display because I’ve learned to do it and it is not hard once you get the hang of it. It is not hard to see who someone really is if you simply observe them for even a short period of time.

Something I find myself doing a lot, almost without thinking about it is mimicking the subtle movements of others around me. I always laugh to myself after mimicking some interesting movement of another that caught my eye, not to make fun of them but I truthfully don’t know why I do. I find it infinitely fascinating to watch the facial expressions of others. You can find out so much just by observing the tiny micro movements of the face even from the corner of your eye. I found out that there is actually a science to this thing, but I was doing it long before, “Lie to me” came out, (great show by the way.)       

…unfinished…