Well, I suppose it’s time to talk about something I’ve alluded to for some time now, but have never gone into detail about. The truth is, I have been severely troubled in my life. I frighten myself sometimes and it makes me cry. I just want to be healthy in body and in mind, and in spirit. At the same time I have all of these feelings, I am optimistic of the future. I really just need some good help to get my mind stabilized in a consistent pattern of healthy thinking. I just want to be happy, that is really all I want. I think that there is going to be a time when I’m going to look back and say to myself something like, “Wow, that was an incredible time and I am so glad I can understand the purpose in it.”
Can someone as troubled as I’ve been really make their life into something wonderful? That’s what I want to do with all of my heart. That’s what I desire. I think that I scare people sometimes and that makes me really sad, because I don’t want to scare people at all. I really just want to be so happy with my life, and that doesn’t mean I have to have a specific job or be with a specific person. It simply means that I want to be free from the troubles that my mind causes me. I feel hindered by barriers in my mind that I can’t figure out how to get passed. I do have desires and things that I wish I had, but I think if I was completely healthy in mind I wouldn’t get so stuck on emotional events that obviously will take place in the course of a life time.
I am leaving this Sunday to Fairfield, California for a complete mental health check and overview, courtesy of my mother. Mental health issues are pretty rampant in my family we’ve learned the hard way through plenty of experience, and my mom wants me to get as much early help as possible so I can live a legitimately healthy and well balanced life. I haven’t really told anyone this because of what it might mean. It means they might find out that I’m schizophrenic, or that I might have a brain tumor, or any number of devastating things like that. Truthfully, I am not afraid of dying because I know that I can be powerful in my thoughts and actions through that process, but I am afraid of this whole mental health thing because these types of problems change the way you think and make you act different than who you want to be. That makes me cry, because I want my mind to be clear so I can be happy and cause those around me to be happy. I just want to love and laugh and live a great life with those I do love. Sometimes I am afraid of this thing so much, but other times I think that it will really be alright no matter what. I think of my sister Elaine, she did some pretty awful things, and my family was completely taken back, shocked, and devastated when she did those things. It was after certain events I’ll not mention that she was finally diagnosed with schizophrenia. Because of those things she did she will now, never be able to live a normal life, but if we had known more about mental illnesses then, all of those things could have been prevented and she could have more or less been able to live normally at this time.
I will continue to write though regardless of any outcome. There are moments when everything is so perfectly clear and I can see the world in such an amazing light, but other times it’s like everything is dark and that is when I’m afraid.
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