Alright, here we go, a little bit more serious a post this time. I try to get over all of the things I’ve done to dig myself in pits and take a fresh perspective at my life. I ask what am I really worth? I try to look at myself as if I was looking at another person in my position. That is when I can see that I am worth so much, because I know the worth of other people regardless of their downfalls, but left to myself within my own head I lose that perspective quickly and I think that I am pretty useless. The fact of the matter is, I love life and living, and there are so many opportunities and great things to do and accomplish here, but when the world is revolving in a way that you can’t stick to what am I supposed to do? Are there any opportunities for me? Is there anything I can do? is there anyone for me? I am not afraid of dying, but I don’t want to die sad without any glimmer of hope in my eyes. I can overcome this trial. This issue of things plaguing me physically is not difficult at all, I will survive that is a fact, but what might kill me is trying to figure out how to live normally in this life, how to keep a consistent job or do well in school. If I can’t do those things than I can never progress toward my ultimate goal and that breaks my heart. I think people think I am lazy, and that makes me think that I really am lazy and of no use, but I am not lazy, I am simply burdened with a heavy load which is where my energy is spent in trying to carry it, but to others it is invisible, and I lack in what is not invisible to others, so they think I am slacking and of little use and leave me begging for water on the wayside. What can I do? I don’t know. I just don’t know right now. At least I am understanding more of the underlying problem I have, but what am I to do in the mean time while they continue to figure me out? This is my trial and like I’ve always said, I don’t know what yet, but I’ll figure something out, you can count on it.
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