Am I stuck?

What am I to do? Should I just forget everything I know and start over completely? I take a deep breath and think that if I do that than I’ll miss out on everything I do know. I just don’t know if I’ll ever be truly happy again. I feel like I’m just living, ever un-attaining happiness. I stumbled upon a hefty amount of old pictures yesterday and I’m not sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing. I looked through them and I felt things I’ve not felt for so long. I felt this thing inside of my chest that seemed to clear all of the debris and garbage away from my soul. As I took a walk down memory lane it was as if I could truly smile, and I felt happy, it was an odd sensation, but then I cried more than I had for quite awhile. It was, in those short moments like bringing back a life that I selfishly took away. How on earth are we to know what the spirit feels like when our bodies are bombarded by sometimes unimaginable feelings that surround on all sides? Galatians 5:22, But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith.

I try to trick myself sometimes to make myself think that I am happy, and sometimes I think I might even believe it, and I try so, so hard to embody all of those fruits of the spirit, but I am not happy. And I don’t care what anyone says, you can’t choose to be happy when you simply are not. You can choose to do good regardless of how you feel but you cannot think yourself happy, trying to do that will only drive you insane. Doing good, yes, it helps you to learn how to love, and it does bring a temporary true peace that you can see in the eternally grateful eyes of those you’ve helped, but one needs a lasting goodness to happen to oneself. I felt all of those fruits when confronted with those beautiful memories contained in those pictures and it was wonderful I can truly say. I had then, true happiness but I didn’t appreciate it and now I’ve been left to intimately learn what it means to long suffer. I’ve been searching for it ever since and I don’t know if I’ll ever attain it again. My dreams have either set me free, or they have damned me, and I have learned longsuffering in order to find out. Longsuffering is a fruit of the spirit so I assume that it is a good thing, but am I suffering needlessly? I am doing all that I can, but it seems as though it is not enough for this world and those people that govern it. I think within the next few weeks I’ll be finding out some very important things that might clarify some of my issues. But until then I simply just don’t know what to do, because my efforts to do nearly anything are always shot to pieces when I try. Am I disabled? Am I weak? Am I stuck in a place that I can’t get out of no matter how hard I try? I dreamt when I was young that I would be vividly lost in this life but that one day I would be set free from that cornfield of fog and confusion, that horrible place I feel like I am right now. I am searching but I find nothing, have I become unworthy for God to come through on his part, and I am hoping in vain? This thing I do know, that there is a God, and that He has a Son. I know that I am lost as well even though I try to do what’s right. I know that I have been blest greatly even in my fog. I know that vivid dreams I’ve had in the past have been literally fulfilled in front of my eyes, but other dreams I’ve had tell me that I will live a great life and that I will find that true un-ending peace again, but I simply don’t know at all how, since I am seemingly unable to accomplish anything of any use in this world. Am I of anything good, or am I lost forever? I think that as long as I continue to try to make other people happy than I’ll not be damned on judgment day, but what of today I ask? If I could talk with God face to face I would ask Him three things; I would ask him for forgiveness firstly, and as I was beginning to cry I would ask Him about my dreams, then with all of my heart I would ask Him to help me forgive so that my dreams could come true. I suppose God really does know what He is doing, but I can’t see passed the end of my nose because my future to me looks pretty bleak. Where is that hand that will have mercy upon me despite all of my shortcomings and reach out for me and save me from this squall? I don’t know, just keep hoping and have faith I suppose even when you can’t breathe, and I suppose you either will be saved, or you won’t. And I just don’t know which one of those I will be at this time.