Do I look different?

It's like I'm a completely different person...
compare to previous blog post...sigh...

Do I look different? I can hardly stand it. I just read over my last blog post and it is mighty depressing and sad and strange. The fact of the matter is, is that right now I am perfectly fine and alright with my life. I feel like I can really get a grasp on reality and I feel able and clear right now. It’s almost like I get lost in these hazes that come over my mind and I just feel horrible about everything. I hate it because right now I am not only not depressed, but I feel confident in my abilities and in the future. And I am not unhappy, I am happy… I am completely able to accept reality and get a move on in my life. I am filled with excitement and just want to live free from those strange moments in time that I face all the time. I wonder about why I feel like this now and why I feel those horrible ways other times. It is not external influences that make me horribly depressed and sad, because those same influences are just every bit surrounding when I am happy about my life as well. Sometimes I wish I was not burdened by the consequences of my actions when I am so gloomy and unable to cope because it’s like those times I am not myself, and then when I am alright it’s like I have to fight through all those weeds I’ve created for myself when I was down. I just shouldn’t write when I’m like that because I always wonder what affects my writings have on my actual life. Sometimes I wish that I had never had those issues, but then I think that if I never had than I would have never gone hiking, or looked up at the stars, or written anything in the first place. That is a sad thought to me because I think I have been blest in my dreary nights and created wonderful things, but I want to be freed from that burden and excel in this world. I want to excel with my unique perspective on life and somehow not let this crippling problem always bring me down into the depths of heartbreaking despair every time. I hope and pray that I’ve helped people and touched people with my unique perspective but at the same time I hope I’ve not scared anyone. My blessing is my curse and it is a difficult road to travel, but I do travel it, and even when my mind is in a fog my never changing desire to help people and love people is still there, but it’s like I don’t know how to because I am constrained by my own illness, and I fear that I often times make people uncomfortable when I try to help, so I withdraw from people, because I think that is the best way I can help so I don’t inappropriately interfere with others affairs, whereas when I am strong and about myself as I feel now, I feel like I can do anything and be some sort of guiding light and strength to others, but overcoming the doubts that I’ve placed in people’s minds when I am lost is tremendous. It is so frustrating. At this moment I don’t feel at all hopelessly sad as how I felt when I wrote that last blog post. I do still have my desires and am frustrated in my choices from before but it is like I can accept the consequences of them and move on without a horrible sensation of torment. I am in this predicament now that I will be ambitious in my near proceedings, and it truly feels good to start out on these new and worthy tasks but am continually bound by the fact that I simply, as I have done so many times before, will fail in following through on my worthy tasks because I do get so sporadically, desperately hopeless and feel as though I cannot cope with the everyday livings of life. I take a deep breath and sigh because I want to be freed from those chains that bind my mind and torment my heart. I don’t know what to do. I want so badly to be me. I am catching glimpses of who it is that I really am through all those thick fogs. I want to be me and change this world for the better. Before it is like I am crippled by the impeding fear that I’ll never find love, but now it does not cripple me at all because I know that I just have to be me and I can have anything that I want, and I want so much. I don’t desire the riches of this world but I want so much in the way of being able to shine my light to those people who might be in a fog that I’ve become all too acquainted with. I understand people and ideas that people have and I know the patterns of destruction, I know the hearts of those I associate with and I can do so much when I am me. But when that fog shades over my mind I have no ability, I have no spark for life, I become fearful of my future and of losing those I love. I’ve said it once but I’ll say it a hundred times that it is so eternally frustrating not being able to be consistently stable in my emotional and mental state. I am not how I was when I wrote that last post, that was not me, because that was a sad, fear filled person that can’t get a grip on anything. This is me right now, at least I think because I know that I am strong and able and I am a strength to those around me when I am me. How can I keep this way of thinking? How can I stay this way? I don’t know. As how Dr. Bruce Banner must feel as he starts to transform into the Incredible Hulk, I feel that fog come over my mind and I am slowly confounded in my mental state of being. It is the oddest sensation and I am sorry for anyone who’s seen that happen, I really am sorry, but I just don’t know what to do about it. I will figure something out because I am sure of it. But I just don’t know how yet. I will be alright and I will have a good, not just normal life, but an exceptional life, because I know, not boasting, but I know that I am different than most in my perspective of this world. I know that I will overcome this hardship and find that life that I yearn for. I know that I can be happy and I pray for all those who are struggling with those sad, depressing, hopeless feelings, because they truly are heartbreaking feelings, especially when you know or see someone struggling with those problems. It is even more heartbreaking to know that someone is struggling but because you yourself are in a fog am unable to help. It is so difficult, so please don’t ever not have compassion on someone who is hurting. Get over your own issues and extend a hand, and love. Don’t hate, don’t degrade others, don’t even jokingly insult or make rude comments to others, don’t intentionally try to hinder another person’s progress. Why would anyone ever do those things? It is so frustrating to see and hear what is acceptable in how people just naturally talk to each other these days. Please be good to people and don’t let any underhanded comment escape your lips. Just love people. I know intimately the struggles people can have and there is no reason to turn a blind eye to someone because of things they’ve done or said. Even people that have done really bad things deserve compassion and love, because of that very reason, they are people. They are children of God and every soul is great in His eyes. We will have no excuses when it comes to loving people in this life. And we will be held accountable for those people that we hurt here and now. Even the smallest things we will be held accountable for, I say it will be the smallest things that will be the biggest things that rack our conscience when our memories are made clear. Please don’t judge people by their imperfect actions. Understand and know, and have a clear idea of you ideals and standards but don’t criticize those who are just trying to make it in this life who are not up to your level. Please, look upon someone with new eyes the next time you see someone, and see them as a soul that is struggling to understand this life, because I believe that even those who seemingly have it all together, that is what they are doing deep down, trying to understand their purpose and place here in the world. Just be good to people regardless of their own problems and be understanding I implore you. I will end this now because I need to go to sleep but I pray that we can really understand this thing that I’ve talked about. Just love people, just do that and you’ll be set forever, I can guarantee it. Regardless of any other issues you struggle with, if you can forget your own selfish thoughts when it comes to other people and love them regardless of how they might have even wronged you, you will find mercy in the eyes of God, and you will be alright. It is all true, so just do it…

Well, that’s that. I find it difficult to end these pages I write like this without saying in the name of Jesus Christ Amen… :) and I don’t really ever know how to end this type of paper without doing that so I'll say it. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ Amen.   :)