Today I am going to write about my life and where it is going. I am drawing upon my most real thoughts that even I don’t usually post on my blog. This is going to be straight talk, no nonsense, no jazz, just my legitimate ideas. My legitimate thoughts and ideas on my relationships, the church, school, work, and last but not least, my mental health and where I fit in with this world. Don’t read on if you can’t take it or don’t want to know the actualities of my hazy, yet all too real life. I apologize right now if there is anyone that reads my blog that I don’t know about and if I offend you. These are simply my thoughts, thoughts that we all have but don’t usually portray on the surface to others other than those very close to us. I believe that the only ones who read my blog are those who are very close to me, but if there are others, I do not mind if you read, but just know that I do not write with you in mind so I am sorry if you become offended by anything I do write.
This blog is a physical form of my inner most thoughts. I only have it because writing has always helped me understand the state of which I am in mentally, which knowledge has literally in the past saved my life. I am not often this straight forward with even myself, but I need badly at this time to write this out for my own benefit, because writing has always given me concise, direct control of my thoughts in a manner that I can shape and form into whatever outcome I desire, whereas if they simply stay in my head, they only ever just drift aimlessly and I end up in another dark limbo that I’ve created for myself built only with intangible thoughts. Those few of you who do read my blog that I know about have only been invited to in the first place because I believe it is no good to write if there will be utterly no one to read what has been written, but my words, along with my thoughts are not for everyone to openly gawk at and criticize however they may. They are for the few I trust to responsibly and genuinely look upon. They are for only my dearest, closest friends and family. These words that I am about to write are genuine, however I have realized from past experience that I am sometimes mislead in my thoughts because of this damn haze that follows me around. I don’t know why, I do not do drugs, I do not drink, but my head simply hurts nearly all the time and it feels as though I am living in a foggy world of thoughts clashing with realities and it confuses me often as to what I can trust to be real.
There was a time, I suppose now has been over two years ago when I did not eat or sleep for nearly a week. I couldn’t, food made me vomit, and trying to sleep was useless, for I just tossed and turned horribly, nearing the end of this week though I genuinely thought that I had died. Like I said, I have never been addicted to drugs, but not eating and sleeping for long periods of time has a way of producing hallucinogenic states and euphoria’s stronger than that of the effects of marijuana. I am reading a lot about this now because it has always been a problem for me but has just recently been brought to my attention that it is for me an actual crippling disorder. I always felt horrible about myself because I thought that I was weak, but now I realize that I’ve held up much better than most have in similar situations as mine, which is why it’s taken so long for others to realize that I seriously need medical help. I’ve been told that trying to function normally with such issues as mine might be compared to trying to run a marathon with two broken legs. Wikipedia say: A 2001 study at Chicago Medical Institute suggested that sleep deprivation may be linked to serious diseases, such as heart disease and mental illnesses including psychosis and bipolar disorder.[22] The link between sleep deprivation and psychosis was further documented in 2007 through a study at Harvard Medical School and the University of California at Berkeley. The study revealed, using MRI scans, that lack of sleep causes the brain to become incapable of putting an emotional event into the proper perspective and incapable of making a controlled, suitable response to the event. Sleep deprivation may have been the underlying cause of the overdose deaths of celebrities Heath Ledger, Anna Nicole Smith and Michael Jackson.
It all makes so much more sense now why I’ve infinitely struggled with emotionally clearing events from my past, because I am pretty much incapable of doing so. My mind is broken, but I am not broken. I am still here, and by God I will make it in this world somehow.
Well, now that I’ve talked about the last thing first, nearly everything else doesn’t seem too important because everything else is directly impacted by the first thing I talked about. But here we go anyway.
Work is something I’ve really struggled in finding, but I’ve probably got a job in the summer driving a shuttle for seniors and disabled folk. I know it doesn’t sound that great to most people but I actually really hope I get this job. I think I would really enjoy it, I just have that quirk about helping the disabled and I enjoy driving as well. My friend Ryan who I help on Saturdays, who has cerebral palsy and is confined to a wheelchair told me about this job. I really would like it, however if I do not get this job I am not going to be going to Minnesota as I was originally planning on. I just can’t go back out there anytime soon for a long period of time, I need to stabilize my life here and now as soon as I can. If I don’t get this job I have another option working for the church in special needs. I don’t know why I’ve always been pulled toward this line of work, but I think it might be my calling in life. I really do relate to and enjoy the company of those with physical and mental disabilities.
School, I think sadly, that I am going to fail once again in the college setting but I am at least going to finish this semester. That is a step in the right direction. It is really depressing though for me because I only wonder if I’ll ever be able to be freed from this fog that shades over my mind continually. I want to learn so badly but I need to address these more immediate concerns that have recently come to my attention first. I believe I will pass at least my auto class and hopefully my English class, math is up in the air, and though I enjoy it very much so I find myself failing the tests. Art, I have just nixed because I simply can’t multi task at this time the amount that is necessary to do so for passing the class. Not that I don’t enjoy it as well but I would rather pass my Math and English classes before art, and auto is just far too easy not to pass, at least I think so at this time.
Now church. I just gave a talk in sacrament meeting today, and though he shook my hand and said that he appreciated my talk, I think my bishop thinks I am trying to organize my own religion! I didn’t say anything that I don’t firmly believe falls into the concepts and beliefs of the LDS church, but I suppose some of the things I said might have been misconstrued as being the gospel according to Jake. sigh… I was told by a fellow, much revered church going member though that he loved my talk and that I should get it published! In presumably some philosophical magazine, or he might have even meant a legitimate church sponsored publication, who knows. I simply laughed and thanked him for the comment and slipped out the side door of church as quickly as I could so as to not be inundated with smiling, cheerful people who just can’t help but let me know that they loved my talk. It happens every time I give a talk and I simply never know what to say other than “thank you.” I was stopped only three times by people who “really appreciated” my talk before I safely made it off of the premises. The church is indeed true though and I will never not believe that, however, if I was not utterly engrained in the church and didn’t have an undeniable faith in it that it is true,…*cough… I would organize a new religion… :) BUT, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the true and everlasting church once again established on the Earth in the last days never to be taken away again, just so we are all one hundred percent clear that I know that to be true.
Finally, here we are. My relationships. I have a very big problem with this thing I call my close associations. I truthfully pray that I do not offend anyone at all, because I mean no offense. But I need to write it out as I did the other topics in my life to be complete and non missing in my life operations. Over the course of the last few months I have gone on a number of dates, some with the same person and others with different people. I know that this thing is very healthy for me socially and I believe that I could start a closer relationship with some of these beautiful young ladies if I really wanted to. The problem is, is that I don’t want to. I do desire to share my thoughts in person, unhindered by fears and stumbling blocks with someone I can trust to gently hold my throbbing head in that type of intimate way, but I feel as though I would only be leading some of these girls on. I cannot bring myself to use a girl for the sole purpose of simply wanting to be with someone and no other reason. I want to be with someone because I have a strong desire to be with that person, not because I have a strong fear of being alone. There is a very distinct difference. I would rather be alone than be with someone simply to be with someone where there is none of that original passion of crazy butterflies and wondrous childlike excitement. These dates I have gone on have been really fun, and my dates have been beautiful but I have found myself wondering when I’ll ever feel that wonderful desire creep up in me again for someone that really catches my eye. I am not currently looking for someone to be married to only for the reason that I need to seriously get a stronger foothold in this world before I start to even look into that. Though I have often thought that if I did have someone I could find that needed love and support in, finding my foothold in this life would be incalculably easier. So basically, my future is simply in the hands of the Lord I think. I am receiving help with my mind, I am trying my best in school, and in finding legitimate work, and lastly I am actively seeking someone I can let genuinely hold my head well I rest my eyes without worry or fear that I would be using them for only that reason of rest. I could probably rest my eyes in the arms of an girl I found attractive, but the peace that comes with that type of embrace for me is almost sacred because of how much I yearn for it, so I will not abuse those moments in brief, insincere events that I see all too often in casual hangout sessions, particularly rampant on the premises of BYU campus. Now let me get my grumpy old man on and rant a little bit to end this long blog post. Go on more dates and hangout less, don’t intimately hold someone unless you are currently dating, don’t hold someone else if you are dating another person, it is fine to date multiple different people at the same time but only for brief moments in time to determine who it is that you really would like to date for longer term. There are more but when these basic rules in dating are not kept it only breeds an atmosphere of confusion and senseless frustration, which than leads to people choosing at least on the surface to not care as much, which leads to less and less meaningful and intimate relationships, which leads to everyone just holding everyone else for only the very surface means of physical attraction and continually numbing the event of eventually finding that childlike spark of exciting beginning love I genuinely search for. …but, as with all things there are exceptions… it is in the eyes of those who are upon the situation in any given circumstance to determine when these exceptions are appropriate, but the core ideals of proper dating etiquette must be primarily upheld by those making the decisions to partake in an exception to a rule for it to be regarded as a justified and responsible action.
I am done with my serious lecture I suppose you can call it. I am done writing tonight. I need to sleep now and let my mind rest. I continually pray for a better day. It is getting better all the time even on the bad days, because for the most part, the bad days are getting less and less bad. I hope this trend continues and I don’t bottom out again anytime soon. Prayers are appreciated. I have always accepted those from anyone who would be willing to pray for me. Thank you so much all of my dear friends and family. Goodbye for now and goodnight.
No comments:
Post a Comment